Addiction and Self

If I’m being fully honest, the reason why I want you to visit so much is because I want to “save” you and the more I think about it, the more I realize that it’s not my job to but I do care about you so much.

I can see that you’re almost there. You have the mindset and ability. You can see the inherent disconnect in the world. You question things enough already. Maybe it is not important that you know the spiritual war that is happening, but maybe it is. With all of the recent things I have done and everything I have read (and I’ve read at least 12 different books in the last month), it is a bit hard to deny what is going on. Every entity has talked about it in some form – philosophers, political commentators, artists, musicians, religious leaders, psychologists, Buddhism, Christianity… it’s all there. All of the information is there. Our society lies to us. We are spoon fed a narrative that keeps us ignorant and blind. You are almost there. I can see your eyes flickering but you’re not fully awake. Maybe that is selfish of me to want to “convert” you or to bring you on the side of the “woke” but I just cannot in good conscience sit by idly while someone I care about so much suffers at the hands of this evil.

I have this idea in my mind – this fantasy I suppose – that if I can show you the ways of the world you will pull yourself out of the Matrix and join me and the others in the resistance – that commune that you say you want to live on… the one I have been trying to build for the last month.

Meeting Christian was no coincidence. He is awake. He is not religious but he is very much aware of the ways of the world. I think you would like him and I really want you to meet him. Just as I have said you are my twin flame (you’re probably a soul mate and not a twin flame but the semantics are irrelevant), Christian is also a soul mate. Everyone has a “soul family” and I believe I am uniting mine and I believe you are apart of that. Now, what that role is, I am unsure and quite frankly I don’t care if you are in my life romantically or platonically but you are supposed to be here. I cannot make the claim, however, that you are supposed to be with me for I don’t know.

I cannot help or save everyone. I know I am not supposed to. I recently hung out with Taz again. He came to visit for a couple of days. I will do everything I can to send positive energy to Taz but he is a blue-piller through and through. He is a product of a system that is heavily unbalanced and I don’t know how to properly get through to him. In some ways, he stands for everything I am against and our differences are more apparent now than they’ve ever been previously. We grew even further apart and part of that was me living a life according to him and not being true to myself. I don’t want that for you. I honestly want whatever will make you happy but part of me feels like we met so that I can help you and I don’t mean baby you, I mean truly water whatever is internally sprouting so that you bloom into the beautiful flower you were meant to be. Whether or not you can do that in Windsor, I am unsure. And I suppose it’s not my place to decide anyway.

Almost every decision you’ve made regarding your life I have not completely agreed with and it is YOUR life so my opinions don’t necessarily matter. I just am unsure what is best and I don’t know.

The term “conspiracy theorist” I believe is a straw-man if not a red-herring. It is used to discredit critical thinkers from exposing the true way of the world. Now, when it comes to intelligence I believe you trust that I am an intelligent person. I also believe I am intelligent for my open-mindedness is the reason I can make so many connections and see things from different angles and I do it at a rate that is relatively quickly so my projections are usually much farther out and thus look “crazy” to outsiders.

Believe me when I say I am not crazy. I am also not depressed, on drugs or using anything to cope. I am the happiest and most stable I have been in a while. That void that you are trying to fill – that void that everyone is trying to fill – it won’t be found in entertainment, video games, sex, drugs, social media, food and all other forms of addiction, you know this. That void, that “emptiness” fills once you know the Truth. Discovering these “conspiracy theories” have given me a purpose that I knew was there but had no way of getting in touch with. You and I are similar in that regard. In some ways, I think you have a gift too. Better yet, I know you do.

There was something pulling me towards studying Kendrick Lamar. Something that I couldn’t control. At the time, you called it mania. I don’t think I’m bipolar though. Actually I know I’m not bipolar. Dropping all of those medications has been the best thing I’ve done.

Anyway, this isn’t about me. This is about you. What do you want out of life? Is it truly to be part of the education system or is it to be educated? There is a difference. Modern education – even college – is nothing more than indoctrination and false teachings. Most of it is agenda pushing and money-grabbing. It is not about education. That is not to undermine your desire for a degree but honestly is it worth it? You don’t need to go to school to learn. You’ve even said yourself that you want to run your own home-schooling business. You don’t have to go to college to teach home-school either.

I can’t push your life on you. I can’t tell you what to do. I truly care about you so much and I worry for you. I think about you daily and lately I’ve been having weird dreams about losing you. Hell, maybe I am losing you. Maybe all of what I’ve discovered is pushing you away. I hope that is not the case, but if it is I’ll let you go.

My own insecurities have made me very uncomfortable with the amount of messaging I’ve been doing. I know this method of communication seldom works on you anyway since you hate feeling obligated or pressured to do anything. I’m here to push you out of your comfort zone. Life is never lived in the comfort zone and complacency is the enemy of growth. But I will no longer push this issue or bring it up. I just want to be honest with you and myself. You are my friend, Nolan. Above everything else you are my friend. I just want to help and I think leaving you on your own is not going to work anymore – as it seems to have not worked in the past. But again, I don’t know. I don’t know much of anything, really.