I get these urges, like right now. Where my entire mind just goes dark and sex is all I want. Dirty sex. Not physically dirty but deviant sex. I’ve cheated on every relationship I’ve been in to some extent, until I started telling myself I was polyamorous. I think that’s true actually, but I love breaking the rules.
I have a bad habit of breaking rules just for the sake of breaking them. Some of this is sadistic, as I hate lying, so I will tell my partner that I’ve cheated on them near immediately, hoping that I’ve broken them and that they hate fuck me for it. And then! I expect that we’ll still be together afterwards.
I’ve never been cheated on, and am scared of it. Like beyond, or I was. I even hated even my boyfriends watched porn because I thought that was considered cheating, while I would sometimes compulsively masturbate to porn.
I get a thrill from it. From being a piece of shit like that. And I just hope someone will punish me for it. I want him to be angry at me, to the point of physically hurting me for it. It’s some twisted fucking kink. Like I said, I like breaking things. I like breaking up, I like being broken. I’m a kleptomaniac, and have been since I was 5 years old. I’ve stolen tens of thousands of dollars worth of things.
Sometimes I worry I’m sociopathic. I think there something fundamentally anti-social about me. I was diagnosed bipolar and sure mania can explain some of that. My mom even says my cheating is me in a manic phase.
The thing is, I don’t know how to live in balance. There is no on or off for me. Either I’m sex-driven and a fucking slut, or I’m some sort of nun, completely disconnected from sex and all that.
I began being sexually active at the age of 4, I think. I remember being in kindergarten touching a boy underneath a raincoat. I’ve always been a very sexual person, very affectionate, and I get wrapped up in it. There is no moderation.
So, I’ve met someone recently who is a sex addict he claims, or at least a serial cheater. He’s in therapy for it, but I don’t know. On paper, he’s everything I feared. Meeting someone who is addicted to porn, addicted to sex, addicted to cheating, lying, deceit. Yet, he’s a goddamn drug. I have to work really hard not to be wrapped up in him.
Last night, I recorded this audio that I wrote to him saying how he’s a shit person and he doesn’t deserve love. I was so angry with him because he’s not… fucking me. He’s not here having sex with me. He got a pic of my ass this morning but he’s not here fucking me. And he’s so hot.
Okay, sorry. I’m trying to stay on track here. What I read from stories like this is that people are psychologically damaged, or have low self-esteem or that they aren’t satisfied in their relationships. But what if it’s not any of that? What if I just get turned on by being psychopathic like this?
I’m afraid of that conclusion.