He’s the man of my dreams and the man of my nightmares. As you can see, my rules for a relationship were pretty fucking strict. I used to have nightmares of my boyfriends even watching porn, let alone fucking someone else? Yeah I’m a hypocrite, but that’s because I knew I could cheat on them and still love them, I could separate emotions and sex, is what i told myself. I could cheat on them and still be in love.
But I didn’t trust they could do that, not even when it came to porn. I felt that they were watching porn because they found those women more attractive, and that they wanted to be with *those* women and were settling for me.
I wasn’t wrong. I wasn’t insecure. I was reading the situation for what it was. My boyfriend Anthony, I remember him. He actually preferred Hispanic girls. His longest relationship has been with a girl who is Hispanic. His preference for that type is why he was with her and not me. Plus our height difference was kind of retarded I don’t even know.
Sometimes I think my friends dated me because they wanted to see me happy, because they truly did love me, even though it was a bad idea. Esteban for example, well he’s fucking gay! But even beyond that, he dated me because he cared about me and that’s what I wanted. It wasn’t it’s because it was what he wanted.
Either way, we failed and I got depressed until I found someone else.
It’s always about finding someone, because I’m looking for someone. When Jason messages me, I feel content, like I found it. When he’s around me, I feel that way too. Like the search is over and I found what it is I’m looking for.
When we’re not speaking I take a very critical lens to our relationship, because I know it’s all kinds of fucked up in some ways.
But before I met him, right before I met him, I said the best relationship arrangement was one where the women slept with only the man and the man was free to fuck whoever he wanted. Then I meet him, this guy who had that exact relationship.
There’s a psychological component to it, of course. He didn’t just have that arrangement because it wasn’t consensual. He was breaking the rules in a passive aggressive way. Maybe he could actually be monogamous, or something. It doesn’t matter, but what matters is that… well that’s that really. I don’t know his reasons for doing it, and I can’t ask him directly.
He enjoys sex. That’s the first part and I love sexually driven men. I love men who irrationally chase sex and are fueled by it. I find it to be a turn on.