There seems to be this underlying annoyance with my own impatience or my perceived inability to get exactly what I want out of this life. Supposedly this means that I’m not in the Wish Fulfilled, but let’s ignore the meta of this and really just address the emotions that I’m feeling.
I thought about it a lot, and if I am harassing him. If he feels harassed, then he’s harassed. If I texted him once a year and it was an initiation of contact he didn’t want, then that is harassment.
The annoying thing about being accused of something, is that your intention doesn’t matter. My intent is not to harass him, it’s to talk to him.
But. He’s not telling me no. And look at this line of thinking I’m having, it must be that I’m delusional at this point, and I can’t unsee it.
Because there must be something wrong with me, not only pursue men who don’t want me. And you know what that’s not even true.
I pursued and enjoyed Satya, but he continuously did shit to me so that my feelings for him went away, and I don’t know how to get them back and I don’t want them back.
Jason and I don’t talk about it truly, or what my feelings for him are. There’s never a discussion of it, or what I feel about it. And I’m supposed to just sit with it, and get over it or whatever. Block him out of my life and move on. Let go.
It feels bad at times, when I love him and all I want to do is hear his voice. He doesn’t have to see me, or fuck me or any of that, I just want to talk to him. Like a normal fucking person.
But ever since we started talking even when we were in contact, it was me as the bad guy. Like I did something wrong. I would ask him questions and he’d push me away, or just reject who I am, what I wanted to express and he would constantly stop me from expressing myself. Every time. He won’t let it come out. Or let me exorcise it, so that I may move on with my life. His constant pushing me away and forcing me suppress my actions just makes me want to retaliate. Emotionally, it’s hard to explain. I just feel like he’s making a bigger deal of it and always has. So what if I love you? Well good for fucking you, you are loved by me. Literally one of the most loving, caring, empathetic and passionate people I know. Someone who helps others even when I have nothing to give, someone who cares to inspire and reform. Someone who could fuck you the way you want, and love you beyond your dreams. You’re fucking lucky that I love you. That I want anything to do with you.
Now I have to hear my roommates having sex, and I’m somewhat sad about it. I want that. And what am I doing to get in my own way? What more work does there need to be done?
Now I’ve resorted to what? Laying in bed every night pretending that he wants to talk to me? That he wants anything to do with me? Constructing these stories in hopes that maybe one day he’ll give me a chance?
And so he says I’m harassing him. I say to him, “Do you want me to unfollow you?” and he says No.
What kind of shit is that. For my own healthy, I should. But I don’t want to. Because I enjoy him. And I will not deny myself what I want.
I act on impulse. I felt happy and good when I told him to call me, and I felt happy and good when we talked on the phone. But the come down, ha. The come down.
I’m not sad about it as I’m writing it, actually. I’m more annoyed that I am still attached to this person, that I find him so irresistible when I want to have these feelings for someone who actually wants them.
THAT is what’s frustrating about being in love with someone who doesn’t want you. It’s not desperation, it’s not low self-esteem. It’s like I’m following a trajectory that I didn’t choose, and I want off of this fucking train of thought.
At one point I was convinced he actually wanted to be in a relationship with me and that he was just… I have no idea what he was doing. At this point, I really don’t care.