I’m trying to heal myself. I am healing myself. There are days where I feel exhausted by it all I guess. And days where I want to become homicidal. Sometimes I feel like I’m looking for an ideal that doesn’t exist, and that I’ve put my faith in humanity where there is none. I feel like existence is hell and torture, no matter how much good I try to do. But then me even believing that I’m owed something for doing “good”, what does that even mean? Clearly no one owes me anything, and this string of relationships is proving that.
I don’t have low self-esteem, I love myself. I always have. But I end up with these people who treat me like shit because they’re unhappy with themselves and their lives, and then what am I supposed to do about it? Forgive them, detach from the situation, all of that.
I’ve never wanted anything more than to be healthy, and I’ve worked my ass off figuring out how to make that happen, but now people hate on me and call me names, make me feel bad for existing and being here when all I want to do is just be myself and be here.
I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask to be born this way or to be deformed. I didn’t ask to be attracted to the people i’m attracted to. I didn’t ask for any of this, so why do I have it? I’m supposedly the creator of my reality, but why would I create this fucking pain? Why do I still create pain?
Why can’t they just… why do I never feel chosen? Why do I end up in these situations where people aren’t loyal or dedicated to me? People who don’t love me or care about me, or any of that shit? I don’t get it. I don’t want that, so why do I have it?
But I wouldn’t even know what to do if he were to choose me, or what that would even mean. If he were to leave it all behind for me, as I would do for him. For him to be my best friend. I just want a best friend, someone who tells me everything, who prioritizes me over everyone else. I want that. I swear I have always wanted that. But I’m so stuck and can’t express myself. I don’t trust anyone. Not their intentions, not their intuition and when I try to get close to people I just end up hurt for some reason. I don’t get what I am doing wrong? What am I doing wrong?
This last year I’ve been more to myself than ever before, learning by myself, healing by myself and all that shit. And it really sucks man. I mean it just blows. It feels like people are hurting me more now than ever and I don’t get why? Am I hurting people? Am I doing something to hurt others? What am I doing and how can I stop this? I want off this fucking prison. I feel trapped again.
Yesterday felt like shit. Having to hide, feeling ugly and all of that. It really feels like it never ends, it all just feels so bad here. And all I want to do is get better and get my motivation and life back. I don’t feel like I’m living at all. It’s not fair. I guess I’ll just go to sleep. I hate feeling like I want to die. I hate feeling suicidal, but I guess deep down I always was. I always will be.