The mind and the body aren’t separate and Cartesian Dualism ruined psychiatry for the last however many years. People who are prone to emotionality in any direction will experience bouts of rage, terror, pain and anger like they never have when their body begins to rid itself of old cells.
Science claims that psychosomatic trauma can’t happen, or rather, it denies its impact on greater scales. Some psychoanalysts say conditions like eczema are caused by emotional trauma that is unresolved. I’ve considered it, and at a time believed that the eczema around my mouth meant that I was developing rashes because there was a secret I kept in my childhood.
I haven’t been able to figure out what that is.
Sv3rige asked Isaiah today, “what is your greatest fear” and Isaiah answered, “being alone” which is what I suspected sv3rige had just yesterday – a fear of being alone.
It’s incredibly hurtful at times being in this relationship, because I feel invalidated. I don’t have a fear of being alone, but I hate being left out or made unimportant. I don’t think in terms of fear, but in terms of want. I think about things I want and how to get them. I don’t think about things I don’t want or can’t stand… until I do.
In the last 24 hours I’ve eaten almost 40 eggs, more or less, and my mood has significantly changed. I’ve been in a bad mood all day, even angry, because I know something else is being cleared.
This is hard, you know. This is hard confronting and facing my emotions, and being in a relationship again, and even being in a relationship with literally my ideal person, and I still have demons I have to fight. But like I said, the mental and physical realms aren’t separate, so the demons I fight emotionally are somehow linked to my condition. All I want is to get better.
I have a very strong intolerance of heat and I almost always prefer cold. Sv3rige is the opposite. I’m compromising here, because I know how much he enjoys the sun, but I literally can’t stand being in the heat for too long, it makes my blood boil. So I’ve been angry today, and I picked up a wooden stick pretending it was a katana so I could slit someone’s throat and decapitate them. My thoughts are dark, they always have been. That’s probably why I hate the light so much.