Today I woke up feeling terrible because of the dreams I had last night after disconnecting from him finally. I was told that my Solar Plexus was being unblocked, and with that unblocking (through the catalyst of interpersonal relationships and establishing boundaries, saying no and sticking up for myself), I was able to apply for better paying jobs, remove someone toxic from my life (she wasn’t toxic in the way that you think she was, because this notion of toxicity is unconscious in these people) and somehow that gave me access to myself in a dream.
The dream showed me all the negatives I had saw when talking to him. All the times I let it pass when he would disrespect me, degrade me, call me names, and such. All the times I had become codependent and it somehow keeps showing him with another woman, I don’t know why. That he will be better off with this woman, which makes me sad, but it must mean something else, though I can’t figure it out. The symbol may not be as important as the feeling I get from it which is rejection and pain. Ultimately it’s pain.
Those dreams last night were rather intense, but I finally spiritually disconnected from him, in essence, I fell out of “love.” The lower-case l love not Love the green-ray balanced force of this planet. Now that I fell out of love with him, my spiritual lenses were back on, and my eye opened to the point of filtering through my body, the hurt and damage I was not accepting or turning a “blind-eye” to, for the sake of…
What was the reason? Ultimately I do want to be with him, but somehow it isn’t going to work and I fell out of love, just that night. That night I finally stood up to him and didn’t just let him turn outward and deflect. The night I finally didn’t end the conversation with saying “You’re right, I’m sorry” or internalizing his self-hate. I fought back again, and then I left. I said what I needed to say and then I went to sleep.
I’m not in love with him anymore, which means… I’m free.
The point of this, is for him to see himself, it had nothing to do with me. I couldn’t figure out why he saw me the way he did, why he would speak to me that way, or why I kept allowing it. But I fell out of love.
Yes I do still hold fear of losing him, and somewhere I still have orange-ray blockage, but after I rebalanced the yellow-ray, my relationships that were unhealthy started to dissolve. No more beating around the bush, right? My mom doesn’t even want anything to do with me, and I had been dealing with that codependency for decades. I told her happy birthday, however.
I love myself more. I’ve realized that now. I love myself more. It feels good to focus on yourself.
Is it sad that I had to result to these crystals before I could see the light?
There is a feeling I have, that he conditioned into me, that if I stand up for myself he will leave. But he’s never left. He literally never leaves, and if he does leave, why does it matter? It doesn’t. I’m fine without him. How did I get convinced that I wasn’t? Why the hell did I continue to talk to him when he believes all that shit about me?
Here’s the thing he is projecting, I know this, but he still consciously believes that he believes it about me. There is nothing I can do about that except stop interacting with him so he can stop sending that shit to me.