I’m not here to teach anyone. I don’t want to and please don’t make me. I’ve wanted to stop teaching for a while, I just want time to heal. I don’t know what I mean by that. My ability to control myself and soothe my emotions is damaged and I’m losing friendships, can’t maintain intimate relationships and feel generally sad about interacting with others.
I think it’s great to have coworkers where you don’t have to go home and think about how sad your relationship is. Maybe that’s the only motivation I will have now to actually try to become a professor, because life isn’t worth living anymore.
I’ve written and explained this so many ways. I’ve tried. I’ve tried the best I could. I’m just done. I’m done trying or resisting or preventing. Just leave me alone, please. I’ll go away. I’ll leave. I’m sorry.
I didn’t know what it felt like, or didn’t let myself feel when something/someone/someplace doesn’t want me. I feel unwanted by everything.
Put me in an asylum but at least let me have my laptop. Please. It doesn’t have to connect to the internet. I don’t care about that. I downloaded everything.