Crazy = Genius by Panic! at the Disco

Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant but my mom and grandma were preventing me from coming to term. The feeling I felt being pregnant was a sense of completion and relief, joyous and expansive. I finally felt my son for the first time in my life, instead of imagining him.

If you know me (which would be a spectacular achievement if you knew this), then you know I want my son’s name to be Zack. I’ve had that name in mind since I was 17 years old. I felt him and it was the happiest I felt in a very long time in that dream. The sort of happiness that no one can actually fulfill, because it was a feeling all entirely in my own mind.

I spoke of toxic relationships, and why you shouldn’t stay in them. It doesn’t matter who is the toxic one, you probably both are, but that humanity is progressing to another level of consciousness and the toxicity of the ego will finally be laid to rest.

When I chose to end the relationship, I had first thought, “is this what I would want my son to see? to see his parents arguing like this? to see his father calling his mom names and yelling at her and lying to her? do I want my son to depend on his father only for him not to be there? for him to continuously let my son down?” and that has been in my mind for the last few weeks.

People aren’t really into building families anymore, they usually get into relationships to get their ego-needs met: be with someone successful so you feel better, be with someone you’re attracted to so that you have compulsive sex, be with someone rich, etc etc, all the fulfill something that you believe is missing. I didn’t want my relationships to be like that anymore, which is why, no matter how attracted I am to someone, no matter how unique they may be to me, if the relationship is unconscious, I can’t continue it.

But back to the families thing. If everyday you consciously decided to be in a relationship because you have a baby to protect, a future human to raise into this existence that you want to be conscious as well, you wouldn’t engage in the insane drama of toxicity that is normalized now. Everyday you would choose peace, and would drop all ego defenses so that you may energetically be a role model for a vulnerable child you senses all too easily the negativity you exude. You would do your best to keep them in state of positive vibration, of love, of honor and of respect. You would do that so you raise a child who can be a beacon of light for the rest of the world, because you know the world desperately needs it. That would give your relationships purpose. That would create a grand vision between you and the other parent, one before the child is born, that would make sex mean something. You would be having sex as a form of conscious co-creation, and the human being you choose to do that with, will realise how important sex becomes then. Not just an act of mutual masturbation, but a choice. A choice to be in Love.

I can’t live in my ego for long, or rather, I can’t live in the past for much longer. There will be no more stories of my past relationship failing, the ego-identification I’ve made to soothe myself from accepting what is: we’re not together. We aren’t the parents I thought we would be.