Even through all of this, I keep going so I am grateful for that.

Seasonal depression can be really difficult for me and normally I have friends or family to keep me company or it’s the fall and I’m in school and don’t think that much about it, so this isolation on top of working this job kind of gets to me, but I know it’ll end when the winter is over. I don’t have many clothes to prepare for the winter here, I suppose that’s my fault. I mean, it is my fault. I’ve donated, recycled and thrown away so many clothes for so many seasons. I would have been set.

This depression this year is really sobering. I know it’s because I am sober, and the last time I was sober this time of year was in 2014. Wow, I didn’t even realize it had been that long.

I said I’m not going to force things anymore and I meant it. You can’t force people to respect you. You can’t force people to like you. You don’t force people to leave you alone. You can’t force them to admire you. You can’t force them to acknowledge your intelligence.

My mom would say that I’m too good to work at McDonald’s or a lot of people will say that, but when you’re depressed like this, the fact I’m even getting out of bed to work at all is good enough for me right now. What I’m doing is good enough, and since it’s a very active job and I get to be on my feet all day, it’s good for my health ultimately. I don’t eat the food there, I just drink water during break. Once you learn all there is to know about the store, you just sort of go through the motions. It’s not as active as a teaching job, and maybe in some ways that’s making it worse for me, but I get to just be quiet, do my job and leave. There are men who hit on me or harass me or whatever, and they’re lonely so I understand why. But there’s no ring on my finger. There isn’t a man who wants to be with me or be married to me, so I may as well just let the lonely men talk to me, at least they feel better and understood for a while.

I’ve lost sight of what I want in life. I do still miss my son, who doesn’t technically exist, but I’ve accepted I’ll never be a mom anyway. I had my chance at motherhood and aborted the baby because the father didn’t want it, so that’s my fault. I didn’t get the career I wanted either, so what do I know about anything? Not like I can do anything really.

I do have stability finally and somewhat of a routine, so I’m building myself back up. If I have to start at McDonald’s that’s fine with me. I used to fear working in fast food because I thought I wouldn’t be able to control myself and would end up really sick from eating the food but I haven’t had one bite of it since I’ve been there and I’m proud of myself for having that discipline and even if I’m hungry, I wait until I get home.

I don’t know what I’m doing with myself right now, all I’m trying to do is take care of myself and not commit suicide. I’m doing my best to nurture myself and my soul and really listen to myself.

I do feel like I let a lot of people down but that doesn’t matter ultimately. Everyone is working on their own stuff. I was such a rockstar in academia, so happy and full of energy and spirit. I enjoyed going to my classes daily and loved interacting with my professors and friends. It was still the happiest days of my life and I had a husband who really supported me as a friend and would do anything for me when I needed it.

I don’t miss him romantically, at all, but I do miss the genuine companionship we had and my depression was in remission back then. I mean it wasn’t all roses, obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t have left, but I left to chase another relationship that didn’t work either. Both of them were true friends to me, and it makes me very sad that I gave up another life that I enjoyed for someone who is not at all my friend. Someone who likes to routinely tell me he hates me, who lies to me and who poisons me with his spiritual venom.

It makes me really sad that I haven’t gotten the strength to never speak to him again. And maybe that’s what is contributing to my depression and underachievement now. I’ve hurt myself a lot. I keep telling myself sorry. I keep saying sorry. But if I’m not leaving, then maybe I don’t mean it.

Even thinking about him now makes me want to cry. I pray that he never speaks to me again and I can move on with my life. I pray that I get the strength to never speak to him again and move on with my life.

But he did the final thing he could do to break my trust, so it shouldn’t be much longer before it’s over for good. He doesn’t even want children, he just said that because he thought he did. He tried to project onto me that I didn’t want them. But I could see it was him realizing he didn’t want them with me.

It’s no matter. All the men eventually realize they don’t want children with me and leave. Even the one I aborted my child for, broke up with me because he said he wanted to have a family some day… but it was too soon when I was pregnant.

So now I’m here again. Crying at the computer screen, because there is still some underlying illness that hasn’t been cured. Even though I’m in ketosis and have eliminated almost all of the anxiety, something is still not computing and I’m still not executing what I have in my mind to do.

I’ve given up on relationships. I’ve given up on my dreams. I stopped believing in love. I stopped believing in myself.

I’m sorry Zack that I’ve let you down.