I know, but bear with me.

The more time I spend alone the more I crave it, the more I feel like I need it. But what do I do alone? I dance, sure. I have bizarre fantasies that involve sex and glory. I masturbate. Sometimes too much. I enjoy alone time to an unhealthy degree.

I’m sad for humanity. This love that I keep believing exists, doesn’t exist here yet. And I’m surely no perpetuator of it.

The more time I spend alone, the less tolerance I have for other people. I feel like I’m addicted to my own thoughts, which aren’t even expressed in words most of the time, but subtle vibrations of “noise” that has no discernable language but radiates from my skull and darts from my eyes.

I’m sad. I’m sad because I continue to hurt others. If I lock myself away in this padded cell, if I play pretend in this asylum, will I finally be free?

I’m severely depressed, but you guys know that. I go on and on about it every couple of months. I’ve never been so miserable in my life. I hate living here, but at the same time I love it. I don’t know what it is that I’m missing, maybe nothing at all – a proper dance studio would be nice.

Everyday I want to die. That’s not an exaggeration. Everyday I wonder why I’m still here. Seriously, what is the point?

I wanted to create something that would accurately represent the essence of me that I felt I never shared with the world. That’s why this blog is here. That’s why I acted out mAAd TV. That’s why I continue with【DDR EXOTIC】. I know no one really cares. I know there are dozens of women who are professional-olympic-level pole dancers and compete. I know there are strippers who have bigger breasts and a better body. I know there are gymnasts who can actually tumble and flip and have tricep and back strength I currently do not possess.

I’m thinking about doing an enema today, because my bulimia demands it.

The relationship wasn’t going the way I wanted it to. He turned his phone off which I thought he would never do. I thought he would always be there. Then he left the place we met and made it so that he could never return. I have half a mind to reach out, but I have whole mind to know that’s not a good idea.

Like I said, I keep hurting people.

But people hurt me too.

One response to “I know, but bear with me.”

  1. What do you mean when you say “Then he left the place we met and made it so that he could never return”? That sounds rough.

    I care about you and what happens to you even though we will never meet.