There isn’t something that is going to happen over night. It’s not going to be easy or spectacular. It’s not going to be magnificent or wonderful. It’s actually rather plain and boring. I suppose most “great” men (and women) are great because they learned the one thing that all of us in this generation seem to be intolerant of: boredom. They are able to do things that are boring and monotonous and repetitive and they do them in a state where it doesn’t bother them. They can handle the humdrum of setting a goal and working toward it. They know it’s not going to be easy.
Why don’t I have that? Sure, I’ve managed to prevent myself from becoming obese but I haven’t really done much else. I haven’t really worked towards anything.
I somehow felt more motivated in jail, and I’m not sure why. I guess actually, the constant stress of being in jail was enough of a stimulus to make me feel like I want to do anything to get out of there. Now I feel like I’m just okay with existing, because it could be worse, I could be in jail. Somehow that has changed my perspective on goal-setting and doing things.
Do you remember I said my goal is to no longer have goals? But I’m here for however many decades are left and there is nothing else I want. I suppose that’s not true, but if I were to utter what it is I want, what I actually want… would it matter? I guess I can live in fantasy.
Is it enough to say I have a man who wants to fuck me but that should be enough? I mean fuck as in love, sort of. I somehow get the two confused. I have a man who does everything for me and who cares about me.
It’s not enough, and I made that a goal for so long, to have someone, but I was trying to run from the same feelings I have now: existential boredom. I want so badly to die, but why haven’t I yet? Why didn’t I did when I drove in the rain at 140mph? Why didn’t I die when I starved myself for 6 days? Why didn’t I die when I binged on meth for those months that I did?
I’m not from earth, I think I’ve told you this before. There are levels to existence and concurrent realities happening in people’s minds. I am not from earth, I’m trapped here and I can’t seem to liberate myself.
I at least have a place to live, a good one. In some time I’m going to have the flooring that I want for my trailer too and then I’ll be able to dance more. I do enjoy dancing. I enjoy the sunset. I enjoy my cat. My love.
There isn’t enough chaos in my life anymore, but maybe now I can figure out what I want. I thought I wanted to go to medical school… why did I give up on that too? Like I said, no goals.