December 20, 2019

The ability to be submissive is beyond just submitted to the man in your life, but submitting to life itself.

I’ve always had this desire to control the outcome of things, even now, being in a new relationship with this man, and all I think about is how I can “control” it. What steps I need to take to ensure that he marries me, that he wants to start a family with me, that he wants to be a Man to me.

But I can’t and shouldn’t control those things. Something I’ve noticed, is that I don’t really have a choice in these things. When I stopped approaching men (raised sort of masculine-ly with single mom and grandma), and let them approach me, chase me, they treat me better. They *want* me. They *want* to be with me. That feeling is a hell of a lot different. When he embraces, I can feel that he wants me there. There is no ambivalence in it.

And I’m operating out of fear.