January 8, 2020

I just keep coming back here because I’ve blocked everything else. I’m so fucking bored, wtf. I need to make my work more enjoyable than interacting with people. That’s the ultimate goal. My work has to be preferred over people.

Maybe that’s why I like relationships. Existence can be so boring. But I didn’t used to feel this way. I didn’t feel restlessly bored I don’t recall. I was usually pretty good about studying. But at the same time, it wasn’t in silence. It was while watching TV, talking to Taz, listening to some music.

I can’t really do those things anymore, as I don’t enjoy them. I like music in the abstract, but I can’t stand to just listen to songs yell and repeat chants at me to get stuck in my head. After a while it gets to be annoying. I think more complex music structures may work, but then they are distracting. Basically, my ability to treat music as “background noise” is completely gone. When music is playing it gets my full attention, so I can’t really be doing much else cognitively.

Although I’m bored, I prefer the silence. I just need to build the motivation. I told myself when I’m bored to just type shit, or to continue reading regardless. Fuck I think I need to block Keep. This is going to suck. But I’m using it as this outlet to procrastinate now. So it has to go too.

You think you’re not going to submit to my will you demon? That’s on you, you fucking retard. This computer will be functionally useless besides emails and phone calls, and I can guarantee your stubborn ass will learn some discipline.