I apologize for the quality of this blog so far, but I am proud that we have renewed for another year!

I suppose there will be a sort of overhaul of the site, but I won’t remove anything I’ve posted so far. For the readers who have been around since the beginning, thank you very much for your support. It’s hard to connect with others and I really hope this blog does the job.

Have a good holiday.

On Giving Unsolicited Advice
Perceptions and Illusions
Batman is the Real Villain
Carb-Induced Mood Swings
Law of Attraction (Telekinesis)
Raw Egg Yolks and Protein Denaturation
Lipid Metabolism and Skin Hydration
Sulfur and Testosterone
Diet, Ethics and Morality
Energy and Calories
The Urinary System and Kidney Filtration
Menstruation and Fertility
Cholesterol, Cancer and Vitamin D
Lactobacilli and the Colon
The Theory of Relativity
Time and Growth (Wisdom Teeth)
Cellular Respiration (Banach-Tarski Paradox)
Seasonal Autoimmune Flares
Pottenger’s Cats – Raw vs Cooked Food Experiment
On Intuitive Eating
An Interpretation of Pregnancy Cravings
Why You Cheat (Emotional Malnutrition)
The Role of the Liver and Blood Detoxification
Milk, Stem Cells and IGF-IV
What is the function of the appendix?
Should human rights extend to animals?
What makes the Impossible Burger?
Plant Matter and the B-Vitamins
Chickpeas are not chicken!
Goitrogens and the Cabbage Patch Kids
What is Money?
Vitamin E and Antioxidation
Skin as an Endocrine Gland
What is Endometriosis?
Early Signs of Rheumatoid Arthritis
What is Time?
Comparing Human Suffering to Animal Suffering (What is Time Part 2)
Insects are Animals
The Lymphatic System and the Heart Chakra
The Urinary System and the Chakral Chakra
What is Mucous? (the Immune System)
Ketosis vs Starvation
Pregnancy Duration and Prematurity
The Brain, Nervous System and Third Eye Chakra
The Respiratory System and the Throat Chakra
Vitamin A vs Beta-Carotene
NaCl and Nervous System Activity
Food is Information
Pineapple Enzymes and Hyperpigmentation
Miscarriage, Infertility and Red Blood Cells
Hair Loss Post-Pregnancy
What is Momentum?
Bipolar Disorder as Type IV Diabetes

[learn_press_profile]

I developed severe social anxiety from malnutrition which lead to underperformance throughout childhood up until graduate school where the pressures of study/teaching finally collapsed on top of me and shed the ego-driven persona I had developed to cope with my overpreparedness. I eventually dropped my program to recover, and I’m here to try again now.

There is of course the psychological damage from growing up with an alcoholic mother and losing my father to gun violence forcing my mom to jump from inappropriate relationship to inappropriate relationships, forgoing her children’s needs in a desperate attempt to outrun her own mental trauma, but I’d rather not talk about that. I’d like to say that I did pretty well considering the circumstances; I only hope that you, dear reader, can see it too.

As for the other 115 words I have to say about this subject, I developed a plethora of psychosomatic health issues ranging from atopic dermatitis to insulin-resistant bipolar disorder, which I am treating with a ketogenic diet, and this so-called suffering is how I managed to learn as much medical terminology and applied psychology that I know now. This is precisely why I believe the Applied Mathematics program is a better fit for me, whereas in my previous graduate students, I mistakenly applied for the Pure Mathematics program. However! My lessons in Differential Topology will be precisely what we need to alleviate the diagnostic discrepancy between some of the ailments I was unfortunately misdiagnosed with. Let’s hope 🙂

It’s being so desperate to be in a relationship that you settle for behavior that you wouldn’t even tolerate from friends, let alone something you should tolerate from the person claiming to love you.

The diametric opposite of abuse is respect. If you respect someone you don’t abuse them, so the first step is to learn to respect everyone and that’s hard. It’s very hard to respect my mom when she’s drunk and I do my best, but there is so much frustration and pain from all of the years of dealing with that persona, that very aggressive and mean persona she has when she drinks, where she doesn’t listen to anything anyone else says, and there’s no getting through to her, that I just explode.

It’s been like that for years. And since I’m reacting, and in such a violent and volatile way, I look the crazy one. Oh, I must be bipolar, or have BPD or something or another, diagnosis after diagnosis, scapegoating myself because I developed that habit of internal blame being raised by someone who skirts responsibility any time she can. I didn’t see I was really doing this until I got into another relationship of course, and then the trauma of your childhood comes full force.

Why did I choose to stay with a man who didn’t respect me? Had I been deluding myself? He was never really that nice. Ever. And I guess I found that “authenticity” to be liberating in a way. He was someone who didn’t pretend, but the first sign of disrespect I should have left. I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t see it.

His constant degrading and disrespect made me resentful. Well, the resent came from being unheard. All the times he would say “are you crazy” or “you’re being irrational” and I would kowtow and agree. “Yeah I am crazy, it must be me. It must be the drugs. It must be that I’m not on medication. Something is wrong with me, why do I react this way?”

I was wrong for my reactions, but I am here to say I don’t instigate it. I’m respectful until I’m disrespected. I don’t give unconditional respect, and maybe I should for my own mental health, but I see now for sure that people were disrespecting me and then triggering me and I couldn’t control my emotional outbursts and my reactions were always overreactions, no doubt, but underneath all of that, beyond the veil of believing that I was “in the wrong,” was that undercurrent of “they are treating me like shit.”

I told you I’m sober right? So what would explain the blowups I had over the last couple of days? Is it that Jasmine is an unstable maniac who lashes out at people randomly? Now I see that’s absolutely not the case. It hasn’t been the case at all. There is truly a method to this madness.

I take responsibility for needing to get my emotions under control, and learning to ground myself and center my body and mind so I stop overreacting, but that doesn’t remove the point of contention: these people weren’t respecting me or even listening.

My mom doesn’t listen to me. She constructs stories in her head about me that aren’t true. She puts together narratives that are wrong and shift the blame on me and then she holds it against me for a very long time, bringing it up in conversation whenever she’s trying to circumvent responsibility. And don’t even get me started on the gaslighting.

I’m sober now and I’m going to be honest with myself. I hate my mom.

And now, I hate him too.

I hate them both for taking advantage of me. I hate them for yelling at me and treating me like trash. For not seeing my worth or valuing what I did for them. For being impatient anytime I shared my feelings because they couldn’t empathize. I hate them.

Another relationship has ended, and I’m not in therapy yet, but I’m doing much better with this than I have in the past. I didn’t run to YouTube or anyone who would listen to blab about it. I didn’t vent online in out of control rants about how I’m hurt or how they’re this or that. I’m writing it down, here, for you to read, to see that while I do have a semblance of emotional instability in the situations, I am however lucid. I see through it now. I see why I didn’t attract the relationships that I want. I was settling.

The first time he lied to me, I should have listened to myself. I didn’t.

I told him he needed to learn how to be alone, then I let him pursue me relentlessly and then it went all down hill for months.

He didn’t respect me. He manipulated me. It was always manipulation because he couldn’t be honest with me about anything, until it got to a point where I didn’t trust him so much I became paranoid to the point of psychosis again. The same sort of psychosis I experienced when my alcoholic mom would gaslight me.

I know I’m still spinning tales of victimhood here, reader. I know it. But I have to get this out, because now I’m in the middle of nowhere with no one to talk to and I cut contact with my ex and my mother, the two people I thought I could count on. And they both let me down.

It’s time that I count on myself.

It was my fault that I ended up dumped, cheated on and humiliated by Goatis.
It was my fault that I ended up demoralized, silence and shamed by my mom.
It was my fault that I ended up ignored, disrespected and played by Druid.

Here’s another song.

I was so angry. I’m so perpetually angry. At myself. At him. At her.

I wanted to move out of this place because I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him anymore and so I called my mom to talk about it. It was then I realized, finally, that I can never really talk to my mom when things are going bad. And that’s part of the problem. I can’t open up to her honestly and sincerely when my life is going bad, as a shoulder to cry on. I told her I wanted to move out of this place because he and I were arguing for the millionth time and I just wanted to be healthy and rid myself of it. I called her and she yelled at me, talking about how my life was going better before I got a cat because of my allergies, and saying that it would be a bad idea for me to leave.

But she didn’t just say it like that. I called her – no, she called me – and with a heavy sigh talked to me in a what now tone. As if my problems are a burden to her. And I didn’t need her to solve my problems, I just wanted to finally tell her the truth of my relationship and that I think I needed to leave it because it was toxic.

She focused so hard on me living in a place with cheap rent. “But Jasmine you’re finally stable, don’t leave, don’t run” and she was right, but it’s the way she says it and if you’re in an abusive relationship the money doesn’t matter, if you need to leave you leave.

He had already left and made promises of coming back but never came back and that bothered me because I felt lied to. He was lying to me. He lied to me a lot. It was one of the reasons I wanted to break up with him in March. But I didn’t listen to myself and I stayed with him. I moved across the country which was my own damn fault and as I was making money to move back, he told me to move in with him here… where I’m at now.

He denies this. He’ll say I pushed or forced myself onto him. It’s a lot of that. People not taking responsibility for their choices. I realized I was taking on too much responsibility and letting people get away with a lot. I wasn’t standing up for myself or advocating for myself. I didn’t defend myself or end the relationship when he called me an idiot. I let him keep calling me an idiot and I internalized that, until I lashed out at my mom.

I’m just sick of the emotional instability and the toxic pain. I’m sick of being in pain and being around unhappy people. A lot of people are unhappy for whatever reason and for a long time they would take it out on me. Maybe they are working jobs they don’t like. Most of the time it’s that. Maybe they aren’t fulfilling something they want to do. I don’t konw.

I’m not a victim. Please don’t take this as victimhood. But I can’t be open with my mom. I can’t go to her when I’m really struggling and so she sees fragments of my relationships, never really knowing how internally I was in pain, never understanding me or even really seeing me.

I’m all good to her as long as I come with good news, but when I’m in pain, when I need her the most. She kicks me when I’m down. She has no patience for it, she doesn’t care.

I”ve had financial troubles since I dropped out of grad school, battling what I now see was substance abuse and severe depression, trying to make sense of my own failures and my inability to take care of myself. I was diagnosed all kinds of things after the fact, trying to pinpoint what exactly was wrong with me that I couldn’t get my life together.

I thought maybe it was autism, that my inability to speak up when something bothered me was social anxiety and selective mutism. To an extent, it was that, but there is something more insidious here. I grew up with a parent who literally can’t handle negative emotions to any extent. Her way of dealing with that is alcohol instead of confrontation. Suppression of those emotions means she can’t feel or identify with them and thus can’t empathize when someone else has them. That’s my armchair analysis.

I’ve had so many negative emotions that has been released in the last couple of years. It feels like I’ve been an open wound for a while. And the scapegoating, gaslighting and degrading from her finally got to be too much.

I want so badly to be happy and I am happy when I’m alone, but I literally don’t know how to share happiness with another person in some ways, and I’m sad about it.

My relationships have sucked. I have chosen poorly. But now I see why and I’m angry about it. I never had a good role model for relationships. I don’t know what love and respect even is with another person on an intimate level and I’m ruining the relationships I have around me because of it.

I cut her off today. I told her as politely as I could, that I will never talk to her again, and I think that’s for my own healing. I can’t go backwards. I was happiest in my life when she wasn’t in it. I used to get anxiety attacks even thinking about talking to her. I’ve somehow stopped listening to myself and went to her when I needed money, instead of believing I could do it on my own.

He tells me that I’m incapable of taking care of myself, that I need someone else, but I don’t think that’s true. I think that’s a lie I’ve been telling myself for too long and my reality is reflecting that. She told me that she would help me with the security deposit, and when I called to ask for her help on it a month later, she says I’m manipulating her.

Is it manipulative to ask your mom for help with your rent? I’ve been homeless before because I literally felt happier being homeless than begging her for money because of the guilt and shame she makes me feel for asking. All I’ve wanted was to heal myself so I can go back to school, but I’m honestly so miserable that my one dream of being a mathematician is so alien to me I truly don’t believe I’ll ever achieve it.

I’m a loser.

And yeah you can call that negative self talk. It is. But it’s the state of mind I feel all the time now. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t fight the demons against me. I couldn’t put up barriers against everyone else’s depression, and now here I am, depressed too.

Everyday I want to die. My mom says that’s me being manipulative and that people who truly want to die wouldn’t tell anyone. I’m sick of thinking about things in terms of “Am I being manipulative if I express grief or ask for assistance?” So that’s why I cut her off. I need help. Call me manipulative or what, but I said I needed help and all you had to do was say “no.” If she didn’t want to help me, say no, but don’t try to guess my intentions. The thing is, she has the money, and I’m not asking her if it wasn’t my last resort, but maybe it’s not, maybe she isn’t my last resort, so I will stop resorting to her. I will never ask her for help again. I would rather live outside in peace, than be dragged down in the chaos that is her alcholism. I should have realized this years ago, and I did to an extent, but I didn’t stick with my decision.

I’m getting stronger. I may be suicidally depressed here, but I’m getting stronger.

1. I will treat myself with dignity and demand respect from others. I will not allow anyone to disrespect me.

2. I will set clear boundaries and make known to others what I regard as permissible and acceptable behavior and what is out of bounds.

3. I will not tolerate abuse and aggression in any form or guise. I will seek to terminate such misconduct instantly and unequivocally.

4. I will be assertive and unambiguous about my needs, wishes, and expectations from others. I will not be arrogant – but I will be confident. I will not be selfish and narcissistic – but I will love and care for myself.

5. I will get to know myself better.

6. I will treat others as I want them to treat me. I will try to lead by way of self-example.

7. I don’t give second chances.

I’m not here to teach anyone. I don’t want to and please don’t make me. I’ve wanted to stop teaching for a while, I just want time to heal. I don’t know what I mean by that. My ability to control myself and soothe my emotions is damaged and I’m losing friendships, can’t maintain intimate relationships and feel generally sad about interacting with others.

I think it’s great to have coworkers where you don’t have to go home and think about how sad your relationship is. Maybe that’s the only motivation I will have now to actually try to become a professor, because life isn’t worth living anymore.

I’ve written and explained this so many ways. I’ve tried. I’ve tried the best I could. I’m just done. I’m done trying or resisting or preventing. Just leave me alone, please. I’ll go away. I’ll leave. I’m sorry.

I didn’t know what it felt like, or didn’t let myself feel when something/someone/someplace doesn’t want me. I feel unwanted by everything.

Put me in an asylum but at least let me have my laptop. Please. It doesn’t have to connect to the internet. I don’t care about that. I downloaded everything.

I had a feeling that he wasn’t capable of following through the very moment I talked to him. He emailed me telling me of a relationship that had just ended and how to get over a woman cheating on you.

I gave him advice, told him to learn to be alone and then he asked for my Skype number. We talked for a bit. He would watch my livestreams and ask for further advice and such. One day he offered to replace a laptop battery that I needed and I sensed he was bullshitting. To this day he still never replaced that battery, I replaced it on my own.

Somehow we ended up in a relationship. He would incessantly text me. I guess I mistook the attention as something it wasn’t. Let me note here that he wasn’t consciously manipulative or anything. Maybe he was, but he just seemed like a guy who was way into me.

One day after we had been talking for a couple of months, I told him I needed to step back from him and that I wanted space for a week. He proceeded to blow my phone up, send me threating text messages and emails and continue to call me from various phone numbers until I answered. I don’t know what was going through my mind at the time. Some part of me said, “Oh he just really likes me” damn, I was stupid. Writing this to you now, it sounds insane, and maybe I was. I wasn’t in a good space mentally and was stressed about my rent. I’m not saying this to make myself a victim. Now all I call myself is “idiot” probably because that’s what he calls me when he’s angry.

I tried to break up with him again, this time I threated him to follow through on his word. When he thinks I’m serious or about to leave, he actually gets a fire under his ass to do something. He flew to see me for a month. It was the most annoying and stressful month of my life. Broken promise after broken promise, him requesting and leeching off of me, saying he was going to do this or work on that. Always the same thing. Sometimes he would follow through. It’s like every 1/10 promises that he actually does something. He can’t be a complete failure, because then any sensible person would pick up the pattern and leave, he has to be successful some of the time, naturally.

He constantly critized me for living where I lived. He had a point. I was on drugs and with the wrong crowd. It made sense that I should get out of there, but he was projecting this notion of depression and unhappiness that I didn’t have. I was stressed, yes, because I didn’t get enough hours at work to cover my bills comfortably. He told me that he wouldn’t take our relationship seriously if we were long distance any longer. I wanted to go back to grad school. He said it would be better for me if I moved to the east coast.

One day I left. I kept my apartment, because I wanted something safe to return to just in case it didn’t work, but I was behind on my rent. Half of my belongings were still there. Ugh. I lost all of it, but I suppose we’ll get to that.

I packed my bags and drove to the east coast to visit some schools. I had a better paying job lined up and planned to live out of my car for the first few weeks until I found a place. I stopped by at this McDonald’s 10 miles or so from his house, and that’s when the job offer was rescinded. I was crushed. I was sort of banking on that job. I jumped the gun and assumed they would hire me, since I was such a star employee with the company. That’s what I get, I guess.

I went to see him and told him I didn’t get the job but I needed money to pay for my apartment back home. I applied to that McDonald’s and they hired me on the spot, making more money there than I had at any job previously. Yeah, seriously. At McDonald’s. I lived out of my car when I couldn’t stand to be at his parent’s house anymore because he would hit me every morning when he woke up angry. His parents said that if we were going to fight, that I had to leave…

I wasn’t fighting. There is a difference between fighting and someone literally just taking their uncontrolled anger out at you. I would sit there in silence because I knew that I was at his parent’s house, but I couldn’t calm him down. His mom had the audacity to say we were fighting. No, that wasn’t a goddamn fight, your son has anger and impulse control issues.

So yeah, I slept in my car for about 3 weeks. He would visit me after work and we would hang out. It was actually pretty fun if we didn’t have to live together, because he wouldn’t flip out at me. Then one day he just randomly leaves, and says he’s going down south to pick up his stuff from his place because he’s worried about being evicted and he needed to get his car.

About two more weeks go by and he convinces me to quit my job at McDonald’s and move in with him down south. I needed a place to stay, because men were following me and sexually harassing me when I slept in my car. I wasn’t safe. I had to leave. I didn’t want to worry my mom so I never told her what happened and I went to go live with him again, forgetting how terrible it is to be with him.

I come to this beautiful place. It’s beautiful. It’s truly breathtaking and the most wonderful place I’ve ever seen. The trailer is completely unclean, infested with bugs, mice and flies, but the actual area was phenomenal. I’m very good at seeing the bright side of things. So I come to see him, and he begins again with this hitting me nonsense in the morning. He would just wake up angry and hit me. He hit me harder than he ever has before on my legs, just repeatedly punching me for whatever reason. Usually his excuse is that I’m not laying in bed with him. I was used to waking up pretty early since I opened for McDonald’s at 4am, and he liked to wake up at about 2pm or 3pm. He would be angry I didn’t want to sleep in bed with him all day.

His brother lived at the trailer too, and would hear us “fight.” Any time I stood up to him, I would yell. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. It takes a lot for me to get angry, but if you’re being hit repeatedly by an entitled lazy garbage bag after a while your barrier for nonsense starts to weaken. His brother needed to go to the dentist and wanted to leave. I had a feeling it wasn’t just the dentist, but also the combination of living with us. I mean people don’t even want to live with their brother’s girlfriend when the relationship is good, let alone when it was like that.

He decides to go with his brother back up north. He said, “I’ll be gone for a couple of days…” it’s been 6 weeks. He has a habit of doing that. Saying “a couple of days,” or “a couple of minutes,” or “1 or 2 months” when he’s bullshitting and placating. It took me this long before I saw through it, and I consider myself a fairly intelligent woman.

I’ve been stuck in a trailer that he doesn’t pay for with mice and flies and ants and mosquitoes and beetles and spiders and dogs and even possums, which I have a phobia of. I’ve somehow made friends with the vermin, because their silence brings me more peace than being with him ever has. I cleaned the trailer and threw out all of the old food, scrubbed the counters and floors, cleaned the walls, the bathroom, aired out the place, got a dehumidifier and washed the old blankets and towels. It feels livable in here. There are cows across the way that come out at sunset and a donkey I talk to down the street. I’ve become friends with the workers at the local gas station and I’ve managed to befriend the neighbors. It feels peaceful here. I have a semblance of stability.

But we’re still stuck with the unsettling reality that this isn’t my place. And he makes sure of that everyday when he threatens to kick me out or call the cops on me, uprooting any sense of stability or safety I feel. Remember: he doesn’t even pay for anything here. He lied to the landlady saying he was going to pay the rent, but he won’t. And let me tell you how much the rent is: $350. That’s how little respect he has for anyone else, that he can’t even come up with $350. He justifies it by saying that he doesn’t want to pay for a place that is infested, as if he can’t invest in fixing that, or if that nullifies any sort of agreement, or just… human decency. How can you leech off of someone like this and not feel guilt or indebted to them in some way?

He may sound terrible, and he is. But he and I are one in the same.

He calls me a couple of hours ago, after I tell him “Please can we not talk for a week, I just need some space.” Since that message, he’s been calling me at least 12 times a day, because any time I set a boundary, he breaks it. He calls to say that he wants to move to Texas and that I should come with. Just like he told me to move to one state and he left and just like he told me to move to another state and he left. He continues to flee situations when it requires him to put in effort to maintain them. When he can’t get a free ride, he leaves. All of this moving is damaging to my stability and income. I’ve quit 3 jobs so far to support his instability but this time I’ve woken up.

My car broke down. The brakes gave out. I’ve been stuck here at this trailer for 2 weeks. I planned on moving even further south to get away from him but now I need to make an income so that I can leave. It costs about $1000 to replace my front and back breakpads and roters. I remember telling him, “this car doesn’t sound right, I don’t think I should drive it” and him convincing me that I should, that I didn’t know enough about cars to challenge him and to just shut up and listen to him. I didn’t listen to my intuition and it cost me the one assest I have and my personal freedom away from this manchild.

I’m getting wiser. I’ve begun to realize this is all my fault: I should have listened to and respected myself the first time I saw the red flags. I didn’t, for whatever reason. You can say it’s low self-worth, low self-esteem, low self-respect, all of it. I know that now. I didn’t value myself so I didn’t value my own opinion. I let my guard down, which is fine, but I put my life in the hands of someone who not only doesn’t value me but doesn’t prioritize me.

If reality reflects what we feel on the inside about ourselves, then I’ve completely fucked up and I’m completely fucked up. I don’t want to leave this trailer, this so-called “paradise” that I’ve created for myself, but I have to believe that there is something better for me, and it’s not with him. I cannot sacrifice myself anymore.

I’m sorry Jas that I hurt you.

The mathematical term perverse sheaves refers to a certain abelian category associated to a topological space X, which may be a real or complex manifold, or a more general topologically stratified space, usually singular. This concept was introduced in the thesis of Zoghman Mebkhout, gaining more popularity after the (independent) work of Joseph Bernstein, Alexander Beilinson, and Pierre Deligne (1982) as a formalisation of the Riemann-Hilbert correspondence, which related the topology of singular spaces (intersection homology of Mark Goresky and Robert MacPherson) and the algebraic theory of differential equations (microlocal calculus and holonomic D-modules of Joseph Bernstein, Masaki Kashiwara and Takahiro Kawai). It was clear from the outset that perverse sheaves are fundamental mathematical objects at the crossroads of algebraic geometry, topology, analysis and differential equations. They also play an important role in number theory, algebra, and representation theory. The properties characterizing perverse sheaves already appeared in the 75’s paper of Kashiwara on the constructibility of solutions of holonomic D-modules.

Introduction: https://www.ams.org/notices/201005/rtx100500632p.pdf

Required Reading: https://mathoverflow.net/questions/29970/what-is-the-etymology-of-the-term-perverse-sheaf/44149#44149

Course Texbook(s): https://www.google.com/books/edition/Calabi_Yau_Manifolds/bTRqDQAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1

[learn_press_profile]

Today I woke up feeling terrible because of the dreams I had last night after disconnecting from him finally. I was told that my Solar Plexus was being unblocked, and with that unblocking (through the catalyst of interpersonal relationships and establishing boundaries, saying no and sticking up for myself), I was able to apply for better paying jobs, remove someone toxic from my life (she wasn’t toxic in the way that you think she was, because this notion of toxicity is unconscious in these people) and somehow that gave me access to myself in a dream.

The dream showed me all the negatives I had saw when talking to him. All the times I let it pass when he would disrespect me, degrade me, call me names, and such. All the times I had become codependent and it somehow keeps showing him with another woman, I don’t know why. That he will be better off with this woman, which makes me sad, but it must mean something else, though I can’t figure it out. The symbol may not be as important as the feeling I get from it which is rejection and pain. Ultimately it’s pain.

Those dreams last night were rather intense, but I finally spiritually disconnected from him, in essence, I fell out of “love.” The lower-case l love not Love the green-ray balanced force of this planet. Now that I fell out of love with him, my spiritual lenses were back on, and my eye opened to the point of filtering through my body, the hurt and damage I was not accepting or turning a “blind-eye” to, for the sake of…

What was the reason? Ultimately I do want to be with him, but somehow it isn’t going to work and I fell out of love, just that night. That night I finally stood up to him and didn’t just let him turn outward and deflect. The night I finally didn’t end the conversation with saying “You’re right, I’m sorry” or internalizing his self-hate. I fought back again, and then I left. I said what I needed to say and then I went to sleep.

I’m not in love with him anymore, which means… I’m free.

The point of this, is for him to see himself, it had nothing to do with me. I couldn’t figure out why he saw me the way he did, why he would speak to me that way, or why I kept allowing it. But I fell out of love.

Yes I do still hold fear of losing him, and somewhere I still have orange-ray blockage, but after I rebalanced the yellow-ray, my relationships that were unhealthy started to dissolve. No more beating around the bush, right? My mom doesn’t even want anything to do with me, and I had been dealing with that codependency for decades. I told her happy birthday, however.

I love myself more. I’ve realized that now. I love myself more. It feels good to focus on yourself.

Is it sad that I had to result to these crystals before I could see the light?

There is a feeling I have, that he conditioned into me, that if I stand up for myself he will leave. But he’s never left. He literally never leaves, and if he does leave, why does it matter? It doesn’t. I’m fine without him. How did I get convinced that I wasn’t? Why the hell did I continue to talk to him when he believes all that shit about me?

Here’s the thing he is projecting, I know this, but he still consciously believes that he believes it about me. There is nothing I can do about that except stop interacting with him so he can stop sending that shit to me.