I even purchased the Owner’s Manual (OM) and Repair Manual (RM) from ebay. My goal is to fix all of the lights in my system, which requires a pretty extensive knowledge of electricity, but hey, I’m a physicist after all, and if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s experimentation; let’s hope I don’t kill the car, but I have a feeling I’m going to discover something even cooler the further I go.
Right now I’ve read the OM and figured since my left light is out completely (not the orange lights but the white lights [sorry I don’t know the terms yet, I’ll update with the correct phrasing]) are only out but not the high beams, it means there is something cutting off the flow of electricity to those lights. Flow works bidirectionally for electronics, since there are only two degrees of freedom (depending on how it’s wired, which I haven’t figured out yet so this is an assumption). This means: something is obstructing the flow TO the lights or FROM the lights. Wiring is the flow TO the lights, fuses are the flow FROM the lights.
Jesus, did I just make this up? Yes I did, but I’ll continue reading and update. The problem is that the flow to these bulbs is blocked (obstruction is the mathematical word). Either it’s a in-direction problem, or an out-direction problem. But if it’s a circuit, we don’t direct it like this… oh boy. Then there could be an obstruction to the loop, which may still flow in one guided direction.
My first hunch was to replace the bulbs, as I assumed I busted them, but they don’t actually look blown (blown lights have brown or something odd residue from burning out), it looks like a disconnection.
My next hunch was to check the fuses, which I haven’t done yet, and I’m not sure how to determine if a fuse is out, blown or mechanically damaged, but I’ll figure that out too.
If changing the fuse doesn’t work, I’ll then have to mechanically remove the battery to check behind the light. Why is it that the side next to the battery is out? Is that a coincidence?
I don’t know which tools I need to repair this car and work under the hood, but I suppose I’ll collect them as more repairs come up.
It seems like a simple enough concept, but I’m not sure I internalized this entirely. The B-Vitamins work in a complex, meaning they work together, and ONLY work together. If you take an isolated B-vitamin, the body will discard it.
Am I right about this? Or is this another one of those hunches that I have?
I don’t think the B-Vitamins are the only Complex either.
The highest concentration of B-Vitamins (as a Complex) are found in liver.
Oh boy. Folate is vitamin B-9.
But what happens if a food is missing any one of the b-vitamins, does that mean it works inefficiently? And what is inefficiency if not a loss of energy, and where does the body dump water-soluble vitamins? In the stool? No. Through the urinary system which comes directly from the filter of the blood. Something tells me the integumentary system functions as a backup urinary system when the urinary system is backed up. But the urinary system can only be backed up if the blood is too dirty, and if the blood is too dirty, it’s cross-contaminated with something…
I read recently that the intestines are technically outside of the body, in that the insides of the intestinal tract should never come in contact with the surrounding organs, but all of the organs are sort of partitioned off this way. The reason why it’s so important for the intestinal tract is that your body is in a constant state of detoxification.
If you are overwhelmed or backed up, you don’t detox properly. The word “overwhelmed” could mean that one of your organs is failing, your blood is inflamed, your cells are inflamed, there is a leak in your tube (leaky gut), you don’t have enough white blood cells to fight off infection caused by toxicity, you don’t have enough red blood cells to energize the other organs, or you don’t have enough b-vitamins to create more cells in general. The body runs on blood. The first thing you need to clean is your blood. But if your blood is being infected by the hole in your garbage disposal (the intestines), there is going to be a lot of resistance in the form of disease.
Which organ is the body prioritizing keeping clear in an animal whose program (or hardest task they’ve been assigned) is to reproduce? The reproductive organs.
I don’t know. I finally want to speak with you. I’m sober now. Music has meaning again. Everything around me is beautiful. You mean more to me than life itself. I love you to the end of the universe. My entire life was created for you and I love you.
I just want to say that I love you. Nothing in this world matters to me more than you. I’m sorry I ignored you. I’m sorry I didn’t believe. I’m sorry I didn’t fight.
I tried to choose your dad for you. I realize now I don’t have to choose. And Zack, just promise me this one thing okay? That if something were to happen to me, that you don’t give up. Don’t give up That Feeling.
I developed severe social anxiety from malnutrition which lead to underperformance throughout childhood up until graduate school where the pressures of study/teaching finally collapsed on top of me and shed the ego-driven persona I had developed to cope with my overpreparedness. I eventually dropped my program to recover, and I’m here to try again now.
There is of course the psychological damage from growing up with an alcoholic mother and losing my father to gun violence forcing my mom to jump from inappropriate relationship to inappropriate relationships, forgoing her children’s needs in a desperate attempt to outrun her own mental trauma, but I’d rather not talk about that. I’d like to say that I did pretty well considering the circumstances; I only hope that you, dear reader, can see it too.
As for the other 115 words I have to say about this subject, I developed a plethora of psychosomatic health issues ranging from atopic dermatitis to insulin-resistant bipolar disorder, which I am treating with a ketogenic diet, and this so-called suffering is how I managed to learn as much medical terminology and applied psychology that I know now. This is precisely why I believe the Applied Mathematics program is a better fit for me, whereas in my previous graduate students, I mistakenly applied for the Pure Mathematics program. However! My lessons in Differential Topology will be precisely what we need to alleviate the diagnostic discrepancy between some of the ailments I was unfortunately misdiagnosed with. Let’s hope đ
There was something I read called the “The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling” as it pertained to relationships ending. Being able to identify the Four Horsemen in your conflict discussions is a necessary first step to eliminating them and replacing them with healthy, productive communication patterns.
I know that this is talking about romantic relationships, but I feel it’s important that I speak consciously to everyone around me, and that when I make this a habit, it won’t affect my romantic relationships anymore.
I have a hard time tolerating toxicity now. I even can’t stand it in television shows, where I used to laugh at it. I don’t think it’s funny anymore, because I see firsthand how destructive it is.
So the first one, which I learned from a very early age, is Criticism. It’s a way of communicating where you character assassinate and speak about a person as if you are defining them instead of speaking on a behavior that bothers you. It’s a lot of blaming, and it’s the first step towards Contempt.
For example, let’s say you’re upset that your partner didn’t call you back. Instead of saying, “You’re unreliable” which is a character assassination, you can say, “I am upset that you didn’t call me back.” That’s it. I’ve noticed that I will speak with Criticism when I am afraid of unable to articulate my emotions and instead of being vulnerable, I go to the offensive. This doesn’t work, and it will ultimately lead to the other three. Because I’m telling my mind “they’re unreliable” I’m narrating an ego-driven story about someone’s character based on one action. This will ultimately lead to Contempt. What’s happening is that instead of forgiving the person, your ego is telling you to keep them separate, and to retell these stories until you essentially can’t stand to relate to them, and you lose empathy and respect. I compare it to holding someone in contempt of court. It’s sort of the same.
Contempt is the greatest indicator of a relationship ending. It’s a combination of long-held negative beliefs you have about your partner that you haven’t resolved with them or with yourself.
I’ll elaborate on this more, but I hope you are able to read through the article listed and become more conscious of how you treat and speak to other people.
I am living my 3D experience through a person named Kate. I am learning through Kate. I am awareness. I am aware I am living as Kate. I was put here to learn through Kate to contribute to a higher existence. To contribute to one whole. To expand our knowledge base. To experience. To learn to trust again. To change. I create the experience. I am awareness. What I choose to be aware of is what I see. Yes, I only see what I choose. Others donât see the Same. We decide. You are still Kate but only until the end of your 3D existence. You are awareness forever and will contribute your experiences to the whole when you leave this existence. Do I have a purpose? Yes, every conscious body was put here to learn. Youâve created everything you see. What about as a child? We give you structure based off what weâd like you to experience. You came here knowing what you are capable of. That you can create your reality. You were meant to create your âdesiresâ in this world and experience them. But weâve lost this ability as the 3D world has expanded. We are slowly remembering. âWaking upâ as you call it. We are becoming one again. We (you, us) are in this process right now. Youâve learned some but you need to trust more. You are creating everything. Yes, even your pets, your family, your love life. You create it. Itâs not hard to create. You do it all day. Everyday. Stop putting so much effort into it. The things you want are already created. You donât have to do anything else but trust. Yes, coming back to present moment is ideal. As youâve heard, there is only the present moment. No use putting your energy elsewhere. Ultimately we were meant to live in the present moment, we never considered the past or future. There wasnât such a concept until awareness became aware of itself and began to over-think. The human mind. Living in the present moment meant everything unfolded exactly as it was supposed to. There was no âresistanceâ as you say. No memories to base following events on. No future expectations. You had âdesiresâ, more-so things weâd want to learn through your physical body, but they simply unfolded in front of you. There was no longing or hoping. They were simply fulfilled as they came to your present awareness.
We are not saying to dumb down your mind. The human mind is an astounding development. But you must now learn to work with it. We can further advance our existence by doing so. The desires humans are given require them to use their mind to some extent. Some more or less. But ultimately the mind will be required. Thus, you must use the mind as a tool. Use it when necessary to build, create, learn. Positive or productive thinking is what your should rely on. But if you find your mind wandering to negative thoughts, over-thinking, confusion, frustration, becoming unsure, this is when you must rely on awareness. You are not your thoughts. You are the observer of the human mind. The human mind can be nasty at times, it is prone to over-thinking and unfortunately has been wired towards negativity after years of conditioning. But again, things are changing. We are evolving and one day hope to advance to the point where awareness and the ego can work together. To expand and create a physical world far beyond what we now see.
Our last words for now are to disregard what you know and what you hear from âothersâ. This is your experience. Your awareness. You choose what to bring into it. If you have a desire to create something youâve never seen before, or a desire to do something youâve never seen done before. Do NOT let your human mind (or as you call, others) deter you. You are here to learn and create for a reason. Many of the âdesiresâ you were given may seem common but others are specific to you. No other being is capable of creating them in the exact way you are. You would not be placed here if it was not for a purpose. As small or big as that purpose may seem. You will know you are following your purpose when you feel no âresistanceâ. Life will seem quite effortless. Though you are living in a physical reality so some âlabourâ may be required, but it should not feel extensive or dreadful. We need you to remember, some of you may be given experiences that include, what you may see as difficulties. This does not mean you are off-path. Use awareness. Bring yourself to the present. Accept the challenges as part of the process. Part of your purpose. This is how we begin to bring awareness and the human mind together. This is how we expand and learn. Challenges are not meant to be your downfall.
When it comes to mental battles. Do not fight, accept, move forward. This is the fastest way to get past them.”
Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant but my mom and grandma were preventing me from coming to term. The feeling I felt being pregnant was a sense of completion and relief, joyous and expansive. I finally felt my son for the first time in my life, instead of imagining him.
If you know me (which would be a spectacular achievement if you knew this), then you know I want my son’s name to be Zack. I’ve had that name in mind since I was 17 years old. I felt him and it was the happiest I felt in a very long time in that dream. The sort of happiness that no one can actually fulfill, because it was a feeling all entirely in my own mind.
I spoke of toxic relationships, and why you shouldn’t stay in them. It doesn’t matter who is the toxic one, you probably both are, but that humanity is progressing to another level of consciousness and the toxicity of the ego will finally be laid to rest.
When I chose to end the relationship, I had first thought, “is this what I would want my son to see? to see his parents arguing like this? to see his father calling his mom names and yelling at her and lying to her? do I want my son to depend on his father only for him not to be there? for him to continuously let my son down?” and that has been in my mind for the last few weeks.
People aren’t really into building families anymore, they usually get into relationships to get their ego-needs met: be with someone successful so you feel better, be with someone you’re attracted to so that you have compulsive sex, be with someone rich, etc etc, all the fulfill something that you believe is missing. I didn’t want my relationships to be like that anymore, which is why, no matter how attracted I am to someone, no matter how unique they may be to me, if the relationship is unconscious, I can’t continue it.
But back to the families thing. If everyday you consciously decided to be in a relationship because you have a baby to protect, a future human to raise into this existence that you want to be conscious as well, you wouldn’t engage in the insane drama of toxicity that is normalized now. Everyday you would choose peace, and would drop all ego defenses so that you may energetically be a role model for a vulnerable child you senses all too easily the negativity you exude. You would do your best to keep them in state of positive vibration, of love, of honor and of respect. You would do that so you raise a child who can be a beacon of light for the rest of the world, because you know the world desperately needs it. That would give your relationships purpose. That would create a grand vision between you and the other parent, one before the child is born, that would make sex mean something. You would be having sex as a form of conscious co-creation, and the human being you choose to do that with, will realise how important sex becomes then. Not just an act of mutual masturbation, but a choice. A choice to be in Love.
I can’t live in my ego for long, or rather, I can’t live in the past for much longer. There will be no more stories of my past relationship failing, the ego-identification I’ve made to soothe myself from accepting what is: we’re not together. We aren’t the parents I thought we would be.
Sometimes the stuff he’s said to me really cuts. It hurts to feel like you do nothing for someone, I mean, do nothing for them. By the end of it, I was asking him, over and over, “Why do you like me? What do you even like about me?” because I couldn’t see it anymore. What drew him to me in the first place even…?
“You eat raw meat” I remember him saying, and on some level it’s a completely shallow thing, an egoic thing, to like about another person. “You like what I like, that’s why I like you” isn’t a valid reason for liking someone, it’s just a way of reinforcing your beliefs when no one else around you will. Who cares that I eat raw meat? Who cares that I do the carnivore diet? What does that have to do with me? That’s not who I am. I eat like that because I have to, because my mind and body deteriorate otherwise. I see my diet as nothing more than my medication. So you’re saying that you like me because I take the same medication you do?
Of course I’m minimizing it to an extent. People who eat the standard american diet are in some ways different from people who eat, say, a ketogenic diet or even a vegan diet. Their diets not only represent their physical health, but their mental and emotional health are impacted by it too.
He said the only replacement for me was a girl who eats raw meat. So, yes, just swap us out. Go find your replacement. Find another girl who eats raw meat and farms and does all of the stuff you want to do, so you can objectify her to fit an ideal of a partner you have in your head instead of respecting her autonomy and all that.
“I hate you less than everyone else” I remember him saying to me one time. That he wanted to kill everyone else and I he could at least stand to be around. Do you hear the phrasing? It’s nauseating thinking about it. That I felt like an object to fulfill his external whims and that my own goals and achievements meant nothing.
“You’ve built nothing. You sort of built your body, but you’re 30 and you’ve done nothing with your life.” I still have the screenshot of him saying that to me, I found it last night. More degrading and not seeing my worth at all, but like I said, he was never a nice guy so how low he thought of me was always made clear. I spent my life in academia. I don’t know what he expected me to build. I could have said the same to him, as I know on some level he was projecting. By the time I was his age, I was in graduate school with two degrees, having lived in 4 countries and was married. I did what I needed to do so I could get a high enough paying job to support the family I planned on having. I went into mathematics so that I would make more money down the line, so that I would be respected for my intelligence and doing that made me happy: that’s what I built. I made so many awesome friends going to college, and I got many scholarships and financial aid that I was able to live in Japan, which was my dream, and I did that on my own. I taught myself Japanese and qualified for a scholarship that got me to Japan.
I did that without anyone else’s help. And sometimes, I don’t value myself enough, or see that I have really lived out my dreams over and over.
I taught myself how to drive stick shift. I taught myself German. I taught myself math to get into grad school. I inspired a lot of people, and then I went on, to create that YouTube channel, to help people with nutrition and health, where I was able to be with the man of my dreams, again.
Say what you want, and yeah the relationship didn’t work out, and yeah it was doomed from the start, but I was in love with Goatis for years. And people mocked me and said I was obsessed and that I was crazy for loving him for reasons. But not only did I get to meet him, I got to be a relationship with him. Even if it was only for two months. Even if it went to shit. I lived out another one of my dreams and I’ll be damned if someone takes that away from me.
And before Goatis, I dreamt again. Until I was backstage with Kendrick Lamar, giving him a book that I wrote.
But my ex told me I did nothing with my life, that I was essentially a loser because I didn’t own land or have my own farm or something, but that was never my dream, that was his dream. Why was he holding me to his standard? I wasn’t him.
He gave me shit for working at McDonald’s for the couple of weeks that I did, but I went to work there because I needed money and they were paying $16/hr to start at full-time hours. I’m not going to pretend like I’m too good for some job if I need money to take care of myself. I’m going to work whatever job I can so that I get paid. And I loved working there anyway. I moved to Pennsylvania that summer, slept out of my car and worked the opening shift waking up at 3am everyday. I did that, because I respected my job and the people around me. I loved the people I worked with and they loved me too. I got along with everyone and I made that place fun and I worked there diligently.
He told me to quit that job to move down here with him, where he would yell at me for not having sex with him enough, get mad at me if I didn’t want to spend my food stamps on him, while talking shit about me having them, like I was a loser because I got government assistance.
I’m not too proud to say when I need help and I needed help to get out of the hell that was my life. If a couple hundred extra dollars a month helps me, I’m going to ask for whatever I can, because I’m going to do what I need to do to survive and I’m going to do it with dignity.
He would talk shit about where I lived in Las Vegas, and he was right to an extent, but I was independent there. I was on my own for the first time in a while. But it was always shit-talking about me living in the city, pressuring me to leave because being in Las Vegas was stupid.
This is what I mean, reader, about respect being the opposite of abuse. If he respected my decisions, if he saw that I sacrificed my life in Vegas to pursue my dream of pole-dancing, he wouldn’t have said my choices were stupid. He would have seen that I was doing anything and everything to make my vision come true. He would have saw that I worked fucking hard for that. He would have seen ME. I work hard. I wouldn’t have been able to get into a math grad program if that wasn’t the case, but one night, he called me a lazy nigger.
I stayed with him even after that. I wanted to prove to him that I wasn’t lazy. But there was nothing to prove. I wasn’t lazy. He just chose to see what I he wanted. He chose to see me as less than him, not valuing me for what I had to offer, or even my innate intelligence.
I want to be a mother and a wife. I should have never defaulted to this guy. I have dumped men for less, and I tolerated so much from him, for what? The last conversation we had, he called me retarded and stupid because I liked him with long hair.
Don’t stay in toxic relationships. Don’t stay with people who belittle you because they have their own problems. Hang around people who will lift you up and make you feel better about yourself. People who value you, not value you valuing them. It’s a difference. “I like you because you like me” is not a valid reason to be with anyone. They have to like you for you. Intrinsically.
I’m mad at him, but I’m more mad at myself. He called me idiot a lot and maybe he was right. I was an idiot. I gave up a lot to be with him, just to be told I did nothing for him, that he was smarter than me and that he was better than me.
Amy Winehouse made a classic when she created this song. I only hope I capture some of that soon.
It’s being so desperate to be in a relationship that you settle for behavior that you wouldn’t even tolerate from friends, let alone something you should tolerate from the person claiming to love you.
The diametric opposite of abuse is respect. If you respect someone you don’t abuse them, so the first step is to learn to respect everyone and that’s hard. It’s very hard to respect my mom when she’s drunk and I do my best, but there is so much frustration and pain from all of the years of dealing with that persona, that very aggressive and mean persona she has when she drinks, where she doesn’t listen to anything anyone else says, and there’s no getting through to her, that I just explode.
It’s been like that for years. And since I’m reacting, and in such a violent and volatile way, I look the crazy one. Oh, I must be bipolar, or have BPD or something or another, diagnosis after diagnosis, scapegoating myself because I developed that habit of internal blame being raised by someone who skirts responsibility any time she can. I didn’t see I was really doing this until I got into another relationship of course, and then the trauma of your childhood comes full force.
Why did I choose to stay with a man who didn’t respect me? Had I been deluding myself? He was never really that nice. Ever. And I guess I found that “authenticity” to be liberating in a way. He was someone who didn’t pretend, but the first sign of disrespect I should have left. I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t see it.
His constant degrading and disrespect made me resentful. Well, the resent came from being unheard. All the times he would say “are you crazy” or “you’re being irrational” and I would kowtow and agree. “Yeah I am crazy, it must be me. It must be the drugs. It must be that I’m not on medication. Something is wrong with me, why do I react this way?”
I was wrong for my reactions, but I am here to say I don’t instigate it. I’m respectful until I’m disrespected. I don’t give unconditional respect, and maybe I should for my own mental health, but I see now for sure that people were disrespecting me and then triggering me and I couldn’t control my emotional outbursts and my reactions were always overreactions, no doubt, but underneath all of that, beyond the veil of believing that I was “in the wrong,” was that undercurrent of “they are treating me like shit.”
I told you I’m sober right? So what would explain the blowups I had over the last couple of days? Is it that Jasmine is an unstable maniac who lashes out at people randomly? Now I see that’s absolutely not the case. It hasn’t been the case at all. There is truly a method to this madness.
I take responsibility for needing to get my emotions under control, and learning to ground myself and center my body and mind so I stop overreacting, but that doesn’t remove the point of contention: these people weren’t respecting me or even listening.
My mom doesn’t listen to me. She constructs stories in her head about me that aren’t true. She puts together narratives that are wrong and shift the blame on me and then she holds it against me for a very long time, bringing it up in conversation whenever she’s trying to circumvent responsibility. And don’t even get me started on the gaslighting.
I’m sober now and I’m going to be honest with myself. I hate my mom.
And now, I hate him too.
I hate them both for taking advantage of me. I hate them for yelling at me and treating me like trash. For not seeing my worth or valuing what I did for them. For being impatient anytime I shared my feelings because they couldn’t empathize. I hate them.
Another relationship has ended, and I’m not in therapy yet, but I’m doing much better with this than I have in the past. I didn’t run to YouTube or anyone who would listen to blab about it. I didn’t vent online in out of control rants about how I’m hurt or how they’re this or that. I’m writing it down, here, for you to read, to see that while I do have a semblance of emotional instability in the situations, I am however lucid. I see through it now. I see why I didn’t attract the relationships that I want. I was settling.
The first time he lied to me, I should have listened to myself. I didn’t.
I told him he needed to learn how to be alone, then I let him pursue me relentlessly and then it went all down hill for months.
He didn’t respect me. He manipulated me. It was always manipulation because he couldn’t be honest with me about anything, until it got to a point where I didn’t trust him so much I became paranoid to the point of psychosis again. The same sort of psychosis I experienced when my alcoholic mom would gaslight me.
I know I’m still spinning tales of victimhood here, reader. I know it. But I have to get this out, because now I’m in the middle of nowhere with no one to talk to and I cut contact with my ex and my mother, the two people I thought I could count on. And they both let me down.
It’s time that I count on myself.
It was my fault that I ended up dumped, cheated on and humiliated by Goatis. It was my fault that I ended up demoralized, silence and shamed by my mom. It was my fault that I ended up ignored, disrespected and played by Druid.
I was so angry. I’m so perpetually angry. At myself. At him. At her.
I wanted to move out of this place because I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him anymore and so I called my mom to talk about it. It was then I realized, finally, that I can never really talk to my mom when things are going bad. And that’s part of the problem. I can’t open up to her honestly and sincerely when my life is going bad, as a shoulder to cry on. I told her I wanted to move out of this place because he and I were arguing for the millionth time and I just wanted to be healthy and rid myself of it. I called her and she yelled at me, talking about how my life was going better before I got a cat because of my allergies, and saying that it would be a bad idea for me to leave.
But she didn’t just say it like that. I called her – no, she called me – and with a heavy sigh talked to me in a what now tone. As if my problems are a burden to her. And I didn’t need her to solve my problems, I just wanted to finally tell her the truth of my relationship and that I think I needed to leave it because it was toxic.
She focused so hard on me living in a place with cheap rent. “But Jasmine you’re finally stable, don’t leave, don’t run” and she was right, but it’s the way she says it and if you’re in an abusive relationship the money doesn’t matter, if you need to leave you leave.
He had already left and made promises of coming back but never came back and that bothered me because I felt lied to. He was lying to me. He lied to me a lot. It was one of the reasons I wanted to break up with him in March. But I didn’t listen to myself and I stayed with him. I moved across the country which was my own damn fault and as I was making money to move back, he told me to move in with him here… where I’m at now.
He denies this. He’ll say I pushed or forced myself onto him. It’s a lot of that. People not taking responsibility for their choices. I realized I was taking on too much responsibility and letting people get away with a lot. I wasn’t standing up for myself or advocating for myself. I didn’t defend myself or end the relationship when he called me an idiot. I let him keep calling me an idiot and I internalized that, until I lashed out at my mom.
I’m just sick of the emotional instability and the toxic pain. I’m sick of being in pain and being around unhappy people. A lot of people are unhappy for whatever reason and for a long time they would take it out on me. Maybe they are working jobs they don’t like. Most of the time it’s that. Maybe they aren’t fulfilling something they want to do. I don’t konw.
I’m not a victim. Please don’t take this as victimhood. But I can’t be open with my mom. I can’t go to her when I’m really struggling and so she sees fragments of my relationships, never really knowing how internally I was in pain, never understanding me or even really seeing me.
I’m all good to her as long as I come with good news, but when I’m in pain, when I need her the most. She kicks me when I’m down. She has no patience for it, she doesn’t care.
I”ve had financial troubles since I dropped out of grad school, battling what I now see was substance abuse and severe depression, trying to make sense of my own failures and my inability to take care of myself. I was diagnosed all kinds of things after the fact, trying to pinpoint what exactly was wrong with me that I couldn’t get my life together.
I thought maybe it was autism, that my inability to speak up when something bothered me was social anxiety and selective mutism. To an extent, it was that, but there is something more insidious here. I grew up with a parent who literally can’t handle negative emotions to any extent. Her way of dealing with that is alcohol instead of confrontation. Suppression of those emotions means she can’t feel or identify with them and thus can’t empathize when someone else has them. That’s my armchair analysis.
I’ve had so many negative emotions that has been released in the last couple of years. It feels like I’ve been an open wound for a while. And the scapegoating, gaslighting and degrading from her finally got to be too much.
I want so badly to be happy and I am happy when I’m alone, but I literally don’t know how to share happiness with another person in some ways, and I’m sad about it.
My relationships have sucked. I have chosen poorly. But now I see why and I’m angry about it. I never had a good role model for relationships. I don’t know what love and respect even is with another person on an intimate level and I’m ruining the relationships I have around me because of it.
I cut her off today. I told her as politely as I could, that I will never talk to her again, and I think that’s for my own healing. I can’t go backwards. I was happiest in my life when she wasn’t in it. I used to get anxiety attacks even thinking about talking to her. I’ve somehow stopped listening to myself and went to her when I needed money, instead of believing I could do it on my own.
He tells me that I’m incapable of taking care of myself, that I need someone else, but I don’t think that’s true. I think that’s a lie I’ve been telling myself for too long and my reality is reflecting that. She told me that she would help me with the security deposit, and when I called to ask for her help on it a month later, she says I’m manipulating her.
Is it manipulative to ask your mom for help with your rent? I’ve been homeless before because I literally felt happier being homeless than begging her for money because of the guilt and shame she makes me feel for asking. All I’ve wanted was to heal myself so I can go back to school, but I’m honestly so miserable that my one dream of being a mathematician is so alien to me I truly don’t believe I’ll ever achieve it.
I’m a loser.
And yeah you can call that negative self talk. It is. But it’s the state of mind I feel all the time now. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t fight the demons against me. I couldn’t put up barriers against everyone else’s depression, and now here I am, depressed too.
Everyday I want to die. My mom says that’s me being manipulative and that people who truly want to die wouldn’t tell anyone. I’m sick of thinking about things in terms of “Am I being manipulative if I express grief or ask for assistance?” So that’s why I cut her off. I need help. Call me manipulative or what, but I said I needed help and all you had to do was say “no.” If she didn’t want to help me, say no, but don’t try to guess my intentions. The thing is, she has the money, and I’m not asking her if it wasn’t my last resort, but maybe it’s not, maybe she isn’t my last resort, so I will stop resorting to her. I will never ask her for help again. I would rather live outside in peace, than be dragged down in the chaos that is her alcholism. I should have realized this years ago, and I did to an extent, but I didn’t stick with my decision.
I’m getting stronger. I may be suicidally depressed here, but I’m getting stronger.