[Meta]physics

I wanted one concept. One application of that concept.

A unifying theme of my life. Why though?

Maybe these dreams of mine weren’t lost, but forgotten. They say to think about what you did as a child. I did a lot of things as a child. I tried to create my own clothes. I always liked fashion as a kid and loved getting new clothes and wearing nice outfits on my birthday. I wrote poetry. I spent a lot of time reading. I listened to music and imitated other rap artists. I loved writing remixes to songs. I played instruments. I went to school for graphic design (after rejecting the computer science admission). I wanted to leave graphic design to go into music, but I never thought I was good enough. I wrote in blogs, a lot. I had tons of online blogs. Journals. Diaries. I used to design webpages. I took tons of photos of myself.

I only wished I had documented that all. I wished I would have made that public. I would lose computer files. I would lose ambition. I would lose my will to live.

Then I went to school to become an actuary because my precalculus teacher at the time said I would be good at it. I got a B+ in precalculus. My work in English classes was used as model examples later on. My essays were used as templates to teach other students. I was obsessed with Eminem and would memorize all of his lyrics.

I thought about the things I did when I got home on my own free time. The things I did that I enjoyed without thinking about money.

I went into mathematics for an abstract love of patterns. There are many ways to discover patterns. It isn’t specific to the counterproductive thinking of mathematics.

If you look at my instagram you will see I started a half-baked attempt at photography. I like art. I do. I enjoy it. But I never “thought” I could be those things, so ideas of me being successful at them passed me by.

When I think about signing with a record label, I think about what I can offer them and what they can offer me. I realize that any idea I want to execute now can’t be done alone. I’m trying to write a TV show similar to School House Rock but I don’t know how to animate, and don’t want to spend the time doing it. I take photos of myself but I don’t my angles or lighting or how to photoshop my pictures. I’ve never applied makeup to myself. And I don’t have the time to learn any of these things, not at the level to which I want to see them instantiated. I’m being realistic here. I can’t do it alone.

This world is a world of give and take. I spent a lot of time taking. Seeing myself as separate from others. Then I look at celebrities, and I know that without people around them, filling in the gaps of knowledge or expertise they don’t have, the image the artist portrays wouldn’t come to life.

I tried music production. I don’t have time to make my own beats. I tried marketing. I don’t have time to manage my own social media.

I’m not saying this to be pessimistic. I’m examining my life and what it would take for me to get to where I want to be. It is impossible alone. Why did I ever think I had to do it alone?

I can’t be a polymath, there is too much to learn now. In some ways I *am* a polymath, but the rate at which technology changes is beyond my human capability now. I cannot do it alone.

So I think about signing with a record label. I thought I had to be naturally good at so many things to be on a record label. That I had to be virtuoso in every capability to even be considered. I wasn’t being realistic. Jas, the Physicist is a character. Jas, the Physicist is an image. An idea. A concept. A thought. She doesn’t exist in isolation.

After four years of tirelessly attempting to do this alone, I now release that idea, and call out to the universe for help.

I need a team.

Luckily, we have the internet. There is no pay to play now. If I want to be seen, I have to reveal myself. You think that youtube channel is revealing? No, it’s just me hiding again.

The last post I made I said “forgive yourself.” I let myself believe the limitations of others. I looked to the outside world for validation. It’s okay, Jasmine, I forgive you. But don’t forget… you’re running out of time.

Forgive yourself for not believing in yourself. Forgive yourself for not trusting yourself. Forgive yourself for not listening to yourself. Forgive yourself for not being honest with yourself.

Let it all go. The past is irrelevant. You chose this. You chose your pain. You chose your triumph. Forgive your self.

How in this world of almost infinite information does originality even exist? I just see derivatives everywhere, no separability in sight.

How… I don’t understand this at all. I’ve been stuck on this idea of originality for so long, and it’s very hard to achieve and even my total isolation from outer influence which is damn near impossible feat, can’t really achieve it. I do my best, but it’s still incredibly difficult.

Maybe it’s my own ego or pride, but I can’t look at someone else’s art and say I want to do that. Not in good faith. I would immensely cringe. It just feels cringe.

But maybe art isn’t necessarily original. Maybe it’s supposed to be derivative. People say it’s “influence” or “reference” and I suppose that’s okay for what it is.

Honestly, our thoughts don’t exist in a vacuum, so what would a truly original piece of artwork look like? It would have to come from a dimension outside of our own. And if it’s not connected in anyway to something that already exists, how can it appeal to anyone?

For instance, maybe there are more colors than our minds can perceive, and there is what I would an “original” color outside of the visible light spectrum, but it being original means no human eyes can perceive it.

Originality is not easy. I’ve reached for it. I’ve touched it. I’m becoming it and it’s not easy at all. It requires a lot of brainpower.

I used to really hate being copied by people around me. Everyone calls this “influence” or “imitation is the biggest form of flattery” or something or another, but I don’t want to be anyone else, I want to be me. How do I be me, be perceived as being me and then be influential without being influenced?

I would have to leave this planet.

Somehow I got Jas, the Physicist to stick. And when I was creating jtpmath.com I went through a few names, none of them I wanted to be associated with Jas, the Physicist. Yet, I made a name, and then it stuck.

I couldn’t figure out who I was, but like I said in the previous post. I knew who I was. I was just afraid. I had a lot of soul searching to do.

Souls…

People always ask me, and maybe I should put this on the FAQ, how I’m so passionate about mathematics. Or they say, “I wish I could love mathematics or even care like you do.”

Guys, don’t mistake this for me being passionate about mathematics.

I wouldn’t call it passion.

It’s more of a nag.

Not a calling.

Not destiny.

It’s a nag.

An irritation.

I don’t want to lose myself. I want to integrate.

That’s really the point here. Or it could be a point. But I don’t want to lose who I am. I thought for so long that I didn’t know who I was, but I know exactly who I am. I don’t want to lose her.

I may never pole dance again. That’s okay. Maybe mathematics is my life now. I’m fine with that. But I want to make very clear that I don’t want to lose whoever I was back then. I don’t want you to lose her either.

So I suppose I will renew this blog again and not let myself die.

I suppose I’ll write it here, since this blog is private now and I feel better about that.

I had this urge to contact Gareth again, and I’ve thought about doing it a couple of times over the years. He responded to me, just to really flame me and make sure I never reach out to him again. I get it, message received.

He called me evil and a demon which is odd to me, but it reminded me so much of Druid’s voice towards me that I couldn’t help but to eventually be repulsed by it. Why would I talk to someone who disrespects me like that? Why would I even want to?

But I’m assuming that’s what he wanted. He wanted me to never speak to him again. And he did it so disrespectfully, and you know what I’ve been thinking about all the men who have been so fucking mean to me and it’s like… for what?

Druid would just fucking yell at me and scream and hit me and then Richard would talk down to me like I was stupid and I spent all this time trying to get the approval of depressed angry miserable men.

Gatis would talk about me behind my back. Catherine talked about me behind my back. Luna would talk shit about how ugly I was and how much she hated me even though I literally tried to save her life.

Richard had me stripped naked in a house fucking torturing me and all his little henchmen abusing me and then Gareth has the nerve to ask me why I didn’t mention 72archetypes? Do you not recall what I told you about them and what happened? Why the fuck would I bring them up at all?

Maybe I wasn’t getting angry enough about what was going on in my life. Look, I read the Four Agreements, it says don’t take anything personal. So I won’t. But how I find healthy people who love themselves enough to want to treat me kindly? Not the angry miserable people I’ve been finding.

None of these people are my fucking friends dude. None of them ever liked me.