[Meta]physics

  • Maybe this time…

    October 21st, 2022
    OverHeated by Billie Eilish

    Hey, I’m back. Again. *eyeroll*

    Instability is such a torturous mental state to be in. I can’t figure out whether I’m good or bad, right or wrong, up or down most of the time. I can’t figure out which school I want to attend, if I even want to go back to school, or if it’s even worth it. Even worse, now I’m depressed.

    But now I can see that I’m depressed. Do you know how long it took for me to see that I’m depressed? No, not the run-of-the-mill, I want to 41% myself. That’s not depression, that’s anxiety. But that feeling of my brain is not working to its fullest capacity, and I can’t for the life of me take this mental energy and convert it to something kinetic. Unless of course mental energy already is kinetic. Who am I to know…?

    Oh, right, I’m supposed to the “physicist.” Guys, I made a typo when I said physicist. I meant to say physician. I somehow got the words confused but it’s too late now. I can’t rebrand. I deliberately chose this monkier so that I would stop rebranding, and I got Jas the Physicist to stick. Have you seen my YouTube channel? I tried to turn that to Jas the Physical Therapist. That didn’t stick either. It’s a portmonteau, physicist, and a double entendre and all around a flat out lie. I’m not a physicist. I’m an applied mathematician. But maybe I’m not any of these things, I’m probably just OverHeated.

    There is something poetic about autoimmunity. I keep talking about it like a spaz, probably because my lizard brain is pursuing this phd track like it’s eggs. Wait, what? Eggs. We’ll get back to those.

    So I’m back. Again. I said I didn’t want to be a rapper, so stop comparing me to him. I had a dream… that I had sex with Kendrick Lamar. Jesus, I must be losing it.

    Either way, enjoy the song.

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  • Self Assurance

    August 28th, 2022

    1. I will treat myself with dignity and demand respect from others. I will not allow anyone to disrespect me.

    2. I will set clear boundaries and make known to others what I regard as permissible and acceptable behavior and what is out of bounds.

    3. I will not tolerate abuse and aggression in any form or guise. I will seek to terminate such misconduct instantly and unequivocally.

    4. I will be assertive and unambiguous about my needs, wishes, and expectations from others. I will not be arrogant – but I will be confident. I will not be selfish and narcissistic – but I will love and care for myself.

    5. I will get to know myself better.

    6. I will treat others as I want them to treat me. I will try to lead by way of self-example.

    7. I don’t give second chances.

  • What to Do…

    August 16th, 2022

    I’m not here to teach anyone. I don’t want to and please don’t make me. I’ve wanted to stop teaching for a while, I just want time to heal. I don’t know what I mean by that. My ability to control myself and soothe my emotions is damaged and I’m losing friendships, can’t maintain intimate relationships and feel generally sad about interacting with others.

    I think it’s great to have coworkers where you don’t have to go home and think about how sad your relationship is. Maybe that’s the only motivation I will have now to actually try to become a professor, because life isn’t worth living anymore.

    I’ve written and explained this so many ways. I’ve tried. I’ve tried the best I could. I’m just done. I’m done trying or resisting or preventing. Just leave me alone, please. I’ll go away. I’ll leave. I’m sorry.

    I didn’t know what it felt like, or didn’t let myself feel when something/someone/someplace doesn’t want me. I feel unwanted by everything.

    Put me in an asylum but at least let me have my laptop. Please. It doesn’t have to connect to the internet. I don’t care about that. I downloaded everything.

  • I have to suffer the consequences of my own actions.

    August 11th, 2022

    I had a feeling that he wasn’t capable of following through the very moment I talked to him. He emailed me telling me of a relationship that had just ended and how to get over a woman cheating on you.

    I gave him advice, told him to learn to be alone and then he asked for my Skype number. We talked for a bit. He would watch my livestreams and ask for further advice and such. One day he offered to replace a laptop battery that I needed and I sensed he was bullshitting. To this day he still never replaced that battery, I replaced it on my own.

    Somehow we ended up in a relationship. He would incessantly text me. I guess I mistook the attention as something it wasn’t. Let me note here that he wasn’t consciously manipulative or anything. Maybe he was, but he just seemed like a guy who was way into me.

    One day after we had been talking for a couple of months, I told him I needed to step back from him and that I wanted space for a week. He proceeded to blow my phone up, send me threating text messages and emails and continue to call me from various phone numbers until I answered. I don’t know what was going through my mind at the time. Some part of me said, “Oh he just really likes me” damn, I was stupid. Writing this to you now, it sounds insane, and maybe I was. I wasn’t in a good space mentally and was stressed about my rent. I’m not saying this to make myself a victim. Now all I call myself is “idiot” probably because that’s what he calls me when he’s angry.

    I tried to break up with him again, this time I threated him to follow through on his word. When he thinks I’m serious or about to leave, he actually gets a fire under his ass to do something. He flew to see me for a month. It was the most annoying and stressful month of my life. Broken promise after broken promise, him requesting and leeching off of me, saying he was going to do this or work on that. Always the same thing. Sometimes he would follow through. It’s like every 1/10 promises that he actually does something. He can’t be a complete failure, because then any sensible person would pick up the pattern and leave, he has to be successful some of the time, naturally.

    He constantly critized me for living where I lived. He had a point. I was on drugs and with the wrong crowd. It made sense that I should get out of there, but he was projecting this notion of depression and unhappiness that I didn’t have. I was stressed, yes, because I didn’t get enough hours at work to cover my bills comfortably. He told me that he wouldn’t take our relationship seriously if we were long distance any longer. I wanted to go back to grad school. He said it would be better for me if I moved to the east coast.

    One day I left. I kept my apartment, because I wanted something safe to return to just in case it didn’t work, but I was behind on my rent. Half of my belongings were still there. Ugh. I lost all of it, but I suppose we’ll get to that.

    I packed my bags and drove to the east coast to visit some schools. I had a better paying job lined up and planned to live out of my car for the first few weeks until I found a place. I stopped by at this McDonald’s 10 miles or so from his house, and that’s when the job offer was rescinded. I was crushed. I was sort of banking on that job. I jumped the gun and assumed they would hire me, since I was such a star employee with the company. That’s what I get, I guess.

    I went to see him and told him I didn’t get the job but I needed money to pay for my apartment back home. I applied to that McDonald’s and they hired me on the spot, making more money there than I had at any job previously. Yeah, seriously. At McDonald’s. I lived out of my car when I couldn’t stand to be at his parent’s house anymore because he would hit me every morning when he woke up angry. His parents said that if we were going to fight, that I had to leave…

    I wasn’t fighting. There is a difference between fighting and someone literally just taking their uncontrolled anger out at you. I would sit there in silence because I knew that I was at his parent’s house, but I couldn’t calm him down. His mom had the audacity to say we were fighting. No, that wasn’t a goddamn fight, your son has anger and impulse control issues.

    So yeah, I slept in my car for about 3 weeks. He would visit me after work and we would hang out. It was actually pretty fun if we didn’t have to live together, because he wouldn’t flip out at me. Then one day he just randomly leaves, and says he’s going down south to pick up his stuff from his place because he’s worried about being evicted and he needed to get his car.

    About two more weeks go by and he convinces me to quit my job at McDonald’s and move in with him down south. I needed a place to stay, because men were following me and sexually harassing me when I slept in my car. I wasn’t safe. I had to leave. I didn’t want to worry my mom so I never told her what happened and I went to go live with him again, forgetting how terrible it is to be with him.

    I come to this beautiful place. It’s beautiful. It’s truly breathtaking and the most wonderful place I’ve ever seen. The trailer is completely unclean, infested with bugs, mice and flies, but the actual area was phenomenal. I’m very good at seeing the bright side of things. So I come to see him, and he begins again with this hitting me nonsense in the morning. He would just wake up angry and hit me. He hit me harder than he ever has before on my legs, just repeatedly punching me for whatever reason. Usually his excuse is that I’m not laying in bed with him. I was used to waking up pretty early since I opened for McDonald’s at 4am, and he liked to wake up at about 2pm or 3pm. He would be angry I didn’t want to sleep in bed with him all day.

    His brother lived at the trailer too, and would hear us “fight.” Any time I stood up to him, I would yell. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. It takes a lot for me to get angry, but if you’re being hit repeatedly by an entitled lazy garbage bag after a while your barrier for nonsense starts to weaken. His brother needed to go to the dentist and wanted to leave. I had a feeling it wasn’t just the dentist, but also the combination of living with us. I mean people don’t even want to live with their brother’s girlfriend when the relationship is good, let alone when it was like that.

    He decides to go with his brother back up north. He said, “I’ll be gone for a couple of days…” it’s been 6 weeks. He has a habit of doing that. Saying “a couple of days,” or “a couple of minutes,” or “1 or 2 months” when he’s bullshitting and placating. It took me this long before I saw through it, and I consider myself a fairly intelligent woman.

    I’ve been stuck in a trailer that he doesn’t pay for with mice and flies and ants and mosquitoes and beetles and spiders and dogs and even possums, which I have a phobia of. I’ve somehow made friends with the vermin, because their silence brings me more peace than being with him ever has. I cleaned the trailer and threw out all of the old food, scrubbed the counters and floors, cleaned the walls, the bathroom, aired out the place, got a dehumidifier and washed the old blankets and towels. It feels livable in here. There are cows across the way that come out at sunset and a donkey I talk to down the street. I’ve become friends with the workers at the local gas station and I’ve managed to befriend the neighbors. It feels peaceful here. I have a semblance of stability.

    But we’re still stuck with the unsettling reality that this isn’t my place. And he makes sure of that everyday when he threatens to kick me out or call the cops on me, uprooting any sense of stability or safety I feel. Remember: he doesn’t even pay for anything here. He lied to the landlady saying he was going to pay the rent, but he won’t. And let me tell you how much the rent is: $350. That’s how little respect he has for anyone else, that he can’t even come up with $350. He justifies it by saying that he doesn’t want to pay for a place that is infested, as if he can’t invest in fixing that, or if that nullifies any sort of agreement, or just… human decency. How can you leech off of someone like this and not feel guilt or indebted to them in some way?

    He may sound terrible, and he is. But he and I are one in the same.

    He calls me a couple of hours ago, after I tell him “Please can we not talk for a week, I just need some space.” Since that message, he’s been calling me at least 12 times a day, because any time I set a boundary, he breaks it. He calls to say that he wants to move to Texas and that I should come with. Just like he told me to move to one state and he left and just like he told me to move to another state and he left. He continues to flee situations when it requires him to put in effort to maintain them. When he can’t get a free ride, he leaves. All of this moving is damaging to my stability and income. I’ve quit 3 jobs so far to support his instability but this time I’ve woken up.

    My car broke down. The brakes gave out. I’ve been stuck here at this trailer for 2 weeks. I planned on moving even further south to get away from him but now I need to make an income so that I can leave. It costs about $1000 to replace my front and back breakpads and roters. I remember telling him, “this car doesn’t sound right, I don’t think I should drive it” and him convincing me that I should, that I didn’t know enough about cars to challenge him and to just shut up and listen to him. I didn’t listen to my intuition and it cost me the one assest I have and my personal freedom away from this manchild.

    I’m getting wiser. I’ve begun to realize this is all my fault: I should have listened to and respected myself the first time I saw the red flags. I didn’t, for whatever reason. You can say it’s low self-worth, low self-esteem, low self-respect, all of it. I know that now. I didn’t value myself so I didn’t value my own opinion. I let my guard down, which is fine, but I put my life in the hands of someone who not only doesn’t value me but doesn’t prioritize me.

    If reality reflects what we feel on the inside about ourselves, then I’ve completely fucked up and I’m completely fucked up. I don’t want to leave this trailer, this so-called “paradise” that I’ve created for myself, but I have to believe that there is something better for me, and it’s not with him. I cannot sacrifice myself anymore.

    I’m sorry Jas that I hurt you.

  • Perverse Sheaves (MATH 568)

    June 13th, 2022

    The mathematical term perverse sheaves refers to a certain abelian category associated to a topological space X, which may be a real or complex manifold, or a more general topologically stratified space, usually singular. This concept was introduced in the thesis of Zoghman Mebkhout, gaining more popularity after the (independent) work of Joseph Bernstein, Alexander Beilinson, and Pierre Deligne (1982) as a formalisation of the Riemann-Hilbert correspondence, which related the topology of singular spaces (intersection homology of Mark Goresky and Robert MacPherson) and the algebraic theory of differential equations (microlocal calculus and holonomic D-modules of Joseph Bernstein, Masaki Kashiwara and Takahiro Kawai). It was clear from the outset that perverse sheaves are fundamental mathematical objects at the crossroads of algebraic geometry, topology, analysis and differential equations. They also play an important role in number theory, algebra, and representation theory. The properties characterizing perverse sheaves already appeared in the 75’s paper of Kashiwara on the constructibility of solutions of holonomic D-modules.

    Introduction: https://www.ams.org/notices/201005/rtx100500632p.pdf

    Required Reading: https://mathoverflow.net/questions/29970/what-is-the-etymology-of-the-term-perverse-sheaf/44149#44149

    Course Texbook(s): https://www.google.com/books/edition/Calabi_Yau_Manifolds/bTRqDQAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1

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  • Introduction to Julia Programming (MATH 173)

    June 13th, 2022

    Course Textbook: https://services.publishing.umich.edu/wp-content/themes/mpub-services/library/pdf/PDSdownload102.pdf

    Prerequisites: Calculus 1-3, Linear Algebra, Mathematical Foundations

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  • Happy Friday the 13th 🙂

    May 13th, 2022

    Today I woke up feeling terrible because of the dreams I had last night after disconnecting from him finally. I was told that my Solar Plexus was being unblocked, and with that unblocking (through the catalyst of interpersonal relationships and establishing boundaries, saying no and sticking up for myself), I was able to apply for better paying jobs, remove someone toxic from my life (she wasn’t toxic in the way that you think she was, because this notion of toxicity is unconscious in these people) and somehow that gave me access to myself in a dream.

    The dream showed me all the negatives I had saw when talking to him. All the times I let it pass when he would disrespect me, degrade me, call me names, and such. All the times I had become codependent and it somehow keeps showing him with another woman, I don’t know why. That he will be better off with this woman, which makes me sad, but it must mean something else, though I can’t figure it out. The symbol may not be as important as the feeling I get from it which is rejection and pain. Ultimately it’s pain.

    Those dreams last night were rather intense, but I finally spiritually disconnected from him, in essence, I fell out of “love.” The lower-case l love not Love the green-ray balanced force of this planet. Now that I fell out of love with him, my spiritual lenses were back on, and my eye opened to the point of filtering through my body, the hurt and damage I was not accepting or turning a “blind-eye” to, for the sake of…

    What was the reason? Ultimately I do want to be with him, but somehow it isn’t going to work and I fell out of love, just that night. That night I finally stood up to him and didn’t just let him turn outward and deflect. The night I finally didn’t end the conversation with saying “You’re right, I’m sorry” or internalizing his self-hate. I fought back again, and then I left. I said what I needed to say and then I went to sleep.

    I’m not in love with him anymore, which means… I’m free.

    The point of this, is for him to see himself, it had nothing to do with me. I couldn’t figure out why he saw me the way he did, why he would speak to me that way, or why I kept allowing it. But I fell out of love.

    Yes I do still hold fear of losing him, and somewhere I still have orange-ray blockage, but after I rebalanced the yellow-ray, my relationships that were unhealthy started to dissolve. No more beating around the bush, right? My mom doesn’t even want anything to do with me, and I had been dealing with that codependency for decades. I told her happy birthday, however.

    I love myself more. I’ve realized that now. I love myself more. It feels good to focus on yourself.

    Is it sad that I had to result to these crystals before I could see the light?

    There is a feeling I have, that he conditioned into me, that if I stand up for myself he will leave. But he’s never left. He literally never leaves, and if he does leave, why does it matter? It doesn’t. I’m fine without him. How did I get convinced that I wasn’t? Why the hell did I continue to talk to him when he believes all that shit about me?

    Here’s the thing he is projecting, I know this, but he still consciously believes that he believes it about me. There is nothing I can do about that except stop interacting with him so he can stop sending that shit to me.

  • A Proof of Bertrand’s Postulate

    May 11th, 2022
    Page 1
    Page 2

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  • Joseph Liouville

    May 10th, 2022

    Besides his academic achievements, he was very talented in organisational matters. Liouville founded the Journal de Mathématiques Pures et Appliquées which retains its high reputation up to today, in order to promote other mathematicians’ work. He was the first to read, and to recognize the importance of, the unpublished work of Évariste Galois which appeared in his journal in 1846. Liouville was also involved in politics for some time, and he became a member of the Constituting Assembly in 1848. However, after his defeat in the legislative elections in 1849, he turned away from politics.


    I knew it. I recognized the Galois theory when I was studying that one thing in Complex… darn it but I can’t remember.

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  • April 30th, 2022

    Cerebral cortex

    Jahangir Moini, Pirouz Piran, in Functional and Clinical Neuroanatomy, 2020

    Specialized language areas

    Language processing is very complicated and occurs in both cerebral hemispheres. However, it varies between individuals. Related to primarily the left hemisphere are Wernicke’s area and Broca’s area. The first, Wernicke’s area, is close to the auditory cortex, and located in the superior temporal gyrus. It is associated with language comprehension, receiving information from the sensory association areas. It is important in a person’s personality since it integrates sensory information and coordinates the access to auditory and visual memories.

    Broca’s area is also known as the motor speech area. It is near the motor cortex and utilized in speech production, located in the inferior frontal gyrus. This area regulates breathing patterns while speaking and vocalizations required for normal speech. It coordinates the activities of the muscles of respiration, the larynx, the pharynx, as well as those of the cheeks, lips, jaws, and tongue. If a person has damage to Broca’s area, sounds can be made, but words cannot be formed. The receptive speech area is another name for the auditory association area. It utilizes feedback to adjust motor commands from the motor speech area. Many different speech-related problems can occur because of damage to a specific sensory area. Some patients have problems with speaking but understand the usage of correct words, while others can speak consistently yet use many incorrect words. Please note that these two (Broca’s and Wernicke’s areas) are the main language centers. However, in order to be able to read, speak, and write, other areas of the brain need to function in coordination.

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