[Meta]physics

Somewhere I associate the phrase “I love you” with someone bad. I don’t like hearing it and my feelings diminish when I do. Somewhere in time, someone said “I love you” and it wasn’t the love I needed.

So where in time is that?

YouTube told me to stop eating, so I have to stop at least for a while. The place is closed tomorrow and I can feel that I don’t actually want food anyway and I think it’s fucking up my consciousness. I need clarity. Seriously.

But I would have blocked him by now, right? And he does things to reassure me.

Like. The petition. He knew that I was insecure about him not wanting to declare that we exist together, even as friends, so he made his name known. He wanted that.

And why is the damn dog named Jason? And why does this shit happen at all?

I just keep writing.

——————————————

He’s catching up now. He started thinking about Rick and Morty though I’ve been sending him Rick and Morty for the last two weeks I think. So he’s getting to mid-June or early June. Okay.

Idk, man but when I see BLM I think “Blaise Loves Mizu” so…

And I think this is where I differentiate myself. I don’t use social media or dating apps. I don’t use pron much either, so I think my attachment to people in the way that’s natural, is still there.

But even beyond this, I studied FOMO (Paradox of Choice) in my Econ undergrad, and realized from studying Economics a significant cost/benefit analysis of being in a relationship and what it would take. People’s inability to delay gratification, their addiction to technology and their collective self-absorption keep them from forming proper relationships with people. Men want love just as much as women, but have detached from it through porn usage, causing compulsive masturbation antics, which reduce their desire to seek companionship. Underneath all of this, is the motivator to fuck. That’s it. Emotions heighten it, but social media and overexposure has rewired people’s brains.

Not only do they have this pleasure-seeking mindset, but they are so wrapped up in pleasure, they have forgotten what pain even feels like or that pain can actually feel good. Do you know why I call myself Blue so much? Is because I want people to remember, remind themselves, that pain is part of feeling good. What is pleasure without pain? What is dark without light?

People have these warped views of themselves, because celebrities warp reality all the time. Instead of addressing your flaws, you get surgery. Instead of addressing your emotional baggage, you get surgery. What do I mean by surgery?

Well, what’s it mean to rewire your neurotransmitters artificially? Is that not a type of surgery? It’s the equivalent of emotional botox, and what I see are a bunch of plastic people living on a fucking Plastic Beach. Styrofoam deep-sea landfill and automated computer speech.

People will connect with others once they connect to themselves. But people would rather take the easy way out and connect to WiFi.

What this virus has done, is infected people’s software. Their operating systems are all corrupted. Who the fuck is going to fix this? I can’t find life on earth anymore.

It’s interesting when you find the right person for you, because in your attempts to impress them, you literally just fulfill your desires and what it is you set out to do. Knowing that it ultimately is what you want, and it’s what they want from you.

That’s what a good match is. [How the fuck did I just forget his name like that?]

My brain really got fucked up from the food I think.

But anyway, yeah.

He’s into plants and shit, that’s why he likes Karina, but little does he know, my whole goal was to be a gardener, that’s what my business is. A nursery. BLUME LABS. Research lab. Botany. Applied to physics and neuroscience.

Thanks for reminding me. And you’ll actually be interested in doing it haha! That’s amazing too. I remember asking that from Mario and he was like “nah” haha. Jason really is perfect for me right now. Whatever.

Treating people like experiences and not connections
People as objects or conquests

But if someone told me I had to live in the same city for the rest of my life, I’d regret it. I feel trapped even thinking about it, and that’s why I would never commit to a home, never thought of owning a home and never wanted to settle down anywhere. When a city or a place got to difficult, I would simply move. And I’ve lived all over the world, I’ve tried living in various places.

Then… I fell in love. I have a home base, and that is where everything I love will be. But I will still travel, and wander.

I would never trap someone. If that sort of anxiety happens to men when they have to commit to sexual gratification from one person, then I don’t want to ever do that to someone.

This is why I practice non-monogamy. I have my means of being non-monogamous. For instance, I’m a polymath, which means I date and fuck all kinds of subjects.

In graduate school, I was told I had to get married to mathematics. And I tried, but I cheated on math with every subject I could: neuroscience, biology, musicology, literature, dance, economics, japanese, computer science, philosophy… all of them.

I eventually decided to get married to physics, as it is broad enough of a subject that I can still study the others. Physics gives me the freedom to study the rest. I want to study math? There’s mathematical physics. I want to study biology? There’s biophysics. I want study linguistics and philosophy? There’s metaphysics. Economics? Applied physics.

I can classify anything as physics under this marriage, and so that’s what I chose. Defining myself by anything else, or trying to, was giving me an identity crisis, so I picked one… and I continue to cheat.

Maybe there isn’t anything wrong with cheaters, maybe some of us just didn’t know what we wanted, or the conditions that were placed upon us didn’t fit, so we were looking for ways to define ourselves, to become who *we* want to be, not what society tells us to be.

My soul mate is a serial cheater, and he fucks all kinds of women, and loves and appreciates sex with men too. To the rest of society, he is ill-suited to be a long-term partner, but for me, he is perfect. A man who is sexually dedicated to me, will lose my interest. Just like if I had to dedicate my intellectual pursuits to one subject.

And because I love him so much, I would never tell him to change. I can’t. His hypersexuality makes him, him. And I love everything about it. There is no compromise here. Just like he loves me for all of the subjects I like to mind fuck, I love him for all the people he likes to fuck.

What is the soul of a man?

Sidenote: People don’t want to be told what to think explicitly, but they do like being told what to think. You just have to do it in a way where they’re not aware they’re being told what to think.

Why do people want to be told what to think? Because there is just too much conflicting information now. Thinking for ourselves takes too much processing power, and if you are out of practice, or never trained yourself to do it, it’s actually incredibly difficult to do.

I’ve been out of mathematics for 3 months now, and I am already stupider when it comes to abstract reasoning about mathematics. I couldn’t even read the physics textbook without getting a headache.

Look, I want to help him. But I only want to help people who want my help. I only want to be around people who want me around. I only want what others want.

Finding a compatible partner boils down to finding someone who wants the same things as you without having to work so farking hard to do it. People who just are in tune with you. This is what “complementary” means.

I love how needy Jason is, to be honest. And it’s not because I’m insecure, I just love that about him. I love giving him all of my attention because I’m an intense person who has a lot of attention to give. My thoughts, mind and actions move so fucking quickly (high IQ, highly sensitive, overexcitabilities) that someone who can handle the fact that I gave out a lot of emotion would be great. Someone that requires that from me, will be fulfilled and satisfied by me, because it doesn’t drain me to do it. Even better, the more I output, the more I’m able to output, it actually plays on itself.

He wants that. I know he does. And maybe he doesn’t realize (or maybe he does) that we can and would get wrapped up in each other. I can talk to him all day, still be able to write and create music, still be able to do all of the shit I normally do, because I have that capability. A needy guy from me…

Okay yeah I may get exhausted by it, just like we physically *have* to take a break from sex, but the breaks are just as good. Rests are good in a song, pauses are good. Breaks are good. Distance is good.

I just wanted a fucking friend,
He just wanted a fucking lay.

…

I just wanted a fucking friend,
No he just wanted a fucking lay,
He said “I have more than enough friends,
I just wanna fuck, if that’s okay?”

I played pretend,
Said friends were overrated,
Opened my legs,
Then let the dick sedate me.

I’d hope he’d change his mind,
And he’d wanna fuck all my frame,
I said, “Maybe give you my body,
Then maybe you’ll give me your name.”

…that’s the Love Game.

So we played around.
And we fucked and we made noise.
I thought, “Yeah he’s down,
Maybe I’ll be one of the boys.”

…nope.

I just wanted a fucking friend,
No he just wanted a fucking lay,
He said “I have more than enough friends,
I just wanna fuck, if that’s okay?”

And I played pretend with that,
I said “Put me on my back,
Just give me the fucking dick.
I’ll take it just like crack.”

I’d hoped he’d change his mind.

…nope!

I just wanted a fucking friend,
No he just wanted a fucking lay,
He said “I have more than enough friends,
I just wanna fuck.”

I guess I should be sad,
Yes there’s bigger fish to fry,
But I can’t help it I got mad,
I got lost in his brown eyes.

Now brown is all I see,
When he calls it quits.
Please, I see through his fucking words.

…it was all bullshit.

But this is what he’ll say.
He’ll say, “I was always honest,
I told you upfront,
I told you I was emotionally unavailable,
This is what you want.”

He’ll say, “No it’s not my fault.
I told you, please.”
He’ll say, “Jasmine, you’re wrong now.
Why don’t you get on your knees?”

And I’ll say, “No, you’re a fucking lie.
You played pretend with words.
And you only make me cry.
You’re not honest with yourself.
And you fake all of your confidence.
Go to fucking hell,
Why don’t you miss me with that nonsense?
Cause all you are is constant-
pain and fucking agony,
You don’t love anyone, not even yourself.
Don’t pretend like you ain’t mad at me.
Cause I’m mad with everything you’ve done,
And I hate everything about you.
You think you’re the only one?
I’ll do better – fine – without you.”

I just wanted a fucking friend,
No he just wanted a fucking lay,
He said “I have more than enough friends,
I just wanna fuck, if that’s okay?”

I played pretend,
Said friends were overrated,
Opened my legs,
Then let the dick sedate me.
Then I pulled back – all around.

Here’s a half step for you.

————————————————————————————

Now brown’s all I see,
When he called it quits,
I see through his words,
It was all bullshit.

——————————

I moved away from Washington to get away from her because I need to, and yet here I am still attached to her. It doesn’t feel good, and it’s another stressor in my life. No one ever wants to feel like they have an obligation to talk to someone, or that they need something from someone out of obligation.

I can’t explain the feeling, but it isn’t a good one. I’m going to block her until I need to talk to her again. Every month, I’ll just block her.

I almost blocked her before but didn’t. Once I’m able to g

She resorts to blackmail to get me to talk to her, more narcissistic bullshit. She doesn’t want her children to move on, at all. I would literally rather be homeless than be connected to her again. I got away from her, just for all of them to connect back to me.

I didn’t have any of them on my contacts, but they keep themselves close to me. I didn’t call my mom. I didn’t ask her for help. I was moving to get away from them.

I need a new social security number. I new life. Just leave me alone.

When you want to get away from s

I know I’m feeling down right now, but I have to be realistic about my life and what it is I want out of it. I don’t want to be around my family anymore. I was happiest when I was away from her. I think I forgot that too. Of course I did. My grandma gives me anxiety, my mom gives me anxiety, I hate my sister.

She said she would give me 3 months in advance. She knows I need it, but she’s keeping it so I have to communicate with her because she knows I wouldn’t otherwise.

For whatever reason I can’t seem to get assistance.

We look for the answers we want to find.

He’s the man of my dreams and the man of my nightmares. As you can see, my rules for a relationship were pretty fucking strict. I used to have nightmares of my boyfriends even watching porn, let alone fucking someone else? Yeah I’m a hypocrite, but that’s because I knew I could cheat on them and still love them, I could separate emotions and sex, is what i told myself. I could cheat on them and still be in love.

But I didn’t trust they could do that, not even when it came to porn. I felt that they were watching porn because they found those women more attractive, and that they wanted to be with *those* women and were settling for me.

I wasn’t wrong. I wasn’t insecure. I was reading the situation for what it was. My boyfriend Anthony, I remember him. He actually preferred Hispanic girls. His longest relationship has been with a girl who is Hispanic. His preference for that type is why he was with her and not me. Plus our height difference was kind of retarded I don’t even know.

Sometimes I think my friends dated me because they wanted to see me happy, because they truly did love me, even though it was a bad idea. Esteban for example, well he’s fucking gay! But even beyond that, he dated me because he cared about me and that’s what I wanted. It wasn’t it’s because it was what he wanted.

Either way, we failed and I got depressed until I found someone else.

It’s always about finding someone, because I’m looking for someone. When Jason messages me, I feel content, like I found it. When he’s around me, I feel that way too. Like the search is over and I found what it is I’m looking for.

When we’re not speaking I take a very critical lens to our relationship, because I know it’s all kinds of fucked up in some ways.

But before I met him, right before I met him, I said the best relationship arrangement was one where the women slept with only the man and the man was free to fuck whoever he wanted. Then I meet him, this guy who had that exact relationship.

There’s a psychological component to it, of course. He didn’t just have that arrangement because it wasn’t consensual. He was breaking the rules in a passive aggressive way. Maybe he could actually be monogamous, or something. It doesn’t matter, but what matters is that… well that’s that really. I don’t know his reasons for doing it, and I can’t ask him directly.

He enjoys sex. That’s the first part and I love sexually driven men. I love men who irrationally chase sex and are fueled by it. I find it to be a turn on.

I get these urges, like right now. Where my entire mind just goes dark and sex is all I want. Dirty sex. Not physically dirty but deviant sex. I’ve cheated on every relationship I’ve been in to some extent, until I started telling myself I was polyamorous. I think that’s true actually, but I love breaking the rules.

I have a bad habit of breaking rules just for the sake of breaking them. Some of this is sadistic, as I hate lying, so I will tell my partner that I’ve cheated on them near immediately, hoping that I’ve broken them and that they hate fuck me for it. And then! I expect that we’ll still be together afterwards.

I’ve never been cheated on, and am scared of it. Like beyond, or I was. I even hated even my boyfriends watched porn because I thought that was considered cheating, while I would sometimes compulsively masturbate to porn.

I get a thrill from it. From being a piece of shit like that. And I just hope someone will punish me for it. I want him to be angry at me, to the point of physically hurting me for it. It’s some twisted fucking kink. Like I said, I like breaking things. I like breaking up, I like being broken. I’m a kleptomaniac, and have been since I was 5 years old. I’ve stolen tens of thousands of dollars worth of things.

Sometimes I worry I’m sociopathic. I think there something fundamentally anti-social about me. I was diagnosed bipolar and sure mania can explain some of that. My mom even says my cheating is me in a manic phase.

The thing is, I don’t know how to live in balance. There is no on or off for me. Either I’m sex-driven and a fucking slut, or I’m some sort of nun, completely disconnected from sex and all that.

I began being sexually active at the age of 4, I think. I remember being in kindergarten touching a boy underneath a raincoat. I’ve always been a very sexual person, very affectionate, and I get wrapped up in it. There is no moderation.

So, I’ve met someone recently who is a sex addict he claims, or at least a serial cheater. He’s in therapy for it, but I don’t know. On paper, he’s everything I feared. Meeting someone who is addicted to porn, addicted to sex, addicted to cheating, lying, deceit. Yet, he’s a goddamn drug. I have to work really hard not to be wrapped up in him.

Last night, I recorded this audio that I wrote to him saying how he’s a shit person and he doesn’t deserve love. I was so angry with him because he’s not… fucking me. He’s not here having sex with me. He got a pic of my ass this morning but he’s not here fucking me. And he’s so hot.

Okay, sorry. I’m trying to stay on track here. What I read from stories like this is that people are psychologically damaged, or have low self-esteem or that they aren’t satisfied in their relationships. But what if it’s not any of that? What if I just get turned on by being psychopathic like this?

I’m afraid of that conclusion.