Maybe these dreams of mine weren’t lost, but forgotten. They say to think about what you did as a child. I did a lot of things as a child. I tried to create my own clothes. I always liked fashion as a kid and loved getting new clothes and wearing nice outfits on my birthday. I wrote poetry. I spent a lot of time reading. I listened to music and imitated other rap artists. I loved writing remixes to songs. I played instruments. I went to school for graphic design (after rejecting the computer science admission). I wanted to leave graphic design to go into music, but I never thought I was good enough. I wrote in blogs, a lot. I had tons of online blogs. Journals. Diaries. I used to design webpages. I took tons of photos of myself.
I only wished I had documented that all. I wished I would have made that public. I would lose computer files. I would lose ambition. I would lose my will to live.
Then I went to school to become an actuary because my precalculus teacher at the time said I would be good at it. I got a B+ in precalculus. My work in English classes was used as model examples later on. My essays were used as templates to teach other students. I was obsessed with Eminem and would memorize all of his lyrics.
I thought about the things I did when I got home on my own free time. The things I did that I enjoyed without thinking about money.
I went into mathematics for an abstract love of patterns. There are many ways to discover patterns. It isn’t specific to the counterproductive thinking of mathematics.
If you look at my instagram you will see I started a half-baked attempt at photography. I like art. I do. I enjoy it. But I never “thought” I could be those things, so ideas of me being successful at them passed me by.
When I think about signing with a record label, I think about what I can offer them and what they can offer me. I realize that any idea I want to execute now can’t be done alone. I’m trying to write a TV show similar to School House Rock but I don’t know how to animate, and don’t want to spend the time doing it. I take photos of myself but I don’t my angles or lighting or how to photoshop my pictures. I’ve never applied makeup to myself. And I don’t have the time to learn any of these things, not at the level to which I want to see them instantiated. I’m being realistic here. I can’t do it alone.
This world is a world of give and take. I spent a lot of time taking. Seeing myself as separate from others. Then I look at celebrities, and I know that without people around them, filling in the gaps of knowledge or expertise they don’t have, the image the artist portrays wouldn’t come to life.
I tried music production. I don’t have time to make my own beats. I tried marketing. I don’t have time to manage my own social media.
I’m not saying this to be pessimistic. I’m examining my life and what it would take for me to get to where I want to be. It is impossible alone. Why did I ever think I had to do it alone?
I can’t be a polymath, there is too much to learn now. In some ways I *am* a polymath, but the rate at which technology changes is beyond my human capability now. I cannot do it alone.
So I think about signing with a record label. I thought I had to be naturally good at so many things to be on a record label. That I had to be virtuoso in every capability to even be considered. I wasn’t being realistic. Jas, the Physicist is a character. Jas, the Physicist is an image. An idea. A concept. A thought. She doesn’t exist in isolation.
After four years of tirelessly attempting to do this alone, I now release that idea, and call out to the universe for help.
I need a team.
Luckily, we have the internet. There is no pay to play now. If I want to be seen, I have to reveal myself. You think that youtube channel is revealing? No, it’s just me hiding again.
The last post I made I said “forgive yourself.” I let myself believe the limitations of others. I looked to the outside world for validation. It’s okay, Jasmine, I forgive you. But don’t forget… you’re running out of time.
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